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Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex
(But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)


Written by Tim Dirks

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Movie Title/Year and Scene Descriptions

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)

In Woody Allen's sex comedy, the seven witty comedy segments or episodes based on Dr. Reuben's notorious, best-selling sex manual:

  • the "Do Aphrodisiacs Work?" episode - a parody of Hamlet, with Woody Allen as a court jester Fool trying to seduce the Queen (Lynn Redgrave) with a love potion - he made a smug aside back to the camera after tricking two guards: "Do you like the way I fooled these guys?" but was foiled and obstructed by the Queen's chastity belt ("heavy underwear") when she removed her dress; the Queen announced: "'Tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened on me that no man but him shalst havest the goods of the body"; the Fool announced his plan: "Now, with most grievous dispatch, I will open the latch and get to her snatch"); he realized that he had to hurry: "I must think of something quickly, because before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting"; after he picked the chastity belt's lock, "the portals of ecstasy" were now his - but he had awakened the King, and had to relock it ("Lock the royal box"); however, he had secured his hand inside the chastity belt: ("I always get my hand in the cookie jar, so to speak"); when caught hiding in the Queen's dress by the King, he gave a feeble excuse: ("Remember if you said that if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?"); the Fool was prepared for the chopping block to be beheaded, when he claimed innocence: "I don't know what everybody's getting so upset for. I never humped her"
  • the improbable sketch: "What is Sodomy?" - Dr. Doug Ross (Gene Wilder) was treating an unmarried Armenian patient/sheepherder named Mr. Stavros Milos (Titos Vandis), who confessed to sodomizing one of his sheep (named Daisy): "I took Daisy off to a little cove and there, under the Armenian sky had sexual intercourse.... It was the greatest lay I ever had"; but then he complained that Daisy had grown "cold, indifferent"; after seeing and falling in love with Daisy at first sight after stroking her wool coat, Dr. Ross brought Daisy by herself into the office for counseling, where he told the animal: "I think it could work if we gave it a chance"; the doctor rented a hotel room to have sex with the animal in the afternoons - he reacted: "Boy, that was really something. I never thought it could be like this. Never in my wildest imagination. You're really something special. I love our L-shaped room. I'll never forget these afternoons we have together. I don't think I'd ever known such peace and happiness in my life"; he dressed Daisy with a diamond necklace; ultimately, his suspicious wife Ann (Elaine Giftos) caught him in the act - although the doctor pleaded innocence: "We're just friends!...This is Mrs. Bencourse. One of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep"; however, he was taken to divorce trial for adultery, sued, lost his license, and was forced to take a lowly waiter job; the segment ended with Daisy abducted back to Armenia by Mr. Milos; the disgraced doctor ended up on Skid Row drinking from a bottle of Woolite
  • the artistic segment: "Why Do Some Women Have Trouble Reaching an Orgasm?" - a Casanova '70 (1965) spoof in which an upper-class, frigid Italian newlywed Gina (Louise Lasser) could only orgasm with her husband Fabrizio (Woody Allen) in public places
  • the horror/monster movie spoof, the sixth segment ("Are the Findings of Doctors and Clinics Who Do Sexual Research and Experiments Accurate?") was about mad, unorthodox sex scientist Dr. Bernardo (John Carradine), with an assistant named Igor (Ref Sanchez); among many other "immoral" studies, he was investigating premature ejaculation in the hippopotamus; when called insane, he replied: "That's what they said at Masters and Johnson, and all because I built a 400-foot diaphragm. Birth control for an entire nation at once"; as researcher Victor Shakapopulis (Woody Allen) and pretty journalist Helen Lacey (Heather MacRae) toured the facility, he threatened her: "In here I have 20 scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you"; Dr. Bernardo accidentally let loose a giant killer runaway breast that had to be captured by an enormous bra; an alert was broadcast by the Woods County Sheriff (Dort Clark): "Be on the lookout for a large female breast...about a 4,000 with an X-cup"); Victor was worried: "We're up against a very clever tit - it shoots half and half" but he assured everyone: "I know how to handle tits"; when Victor was squirted by the breast, he held up a crucifix - and he was able to corral the breast in one side of a giant brassiere: (Helen: "Victor, I'm so proud of you. You did it. Oh, oh, I was so worried. Were you scared?...I thought you were gonna get nursed to death"); however, the Sheriff was still concerned: ("Only one thing bothers me, though. That's a single. You're sure that was a single, now?...Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs...well, I've never seen one by itself. I mean, two, yes, but not just one. So what we're gonna do. We're gonna take a nipple print, just so that we'll have identification on this one, see? Now, I think we'll put her on probation for maybe 90 days and then take her down to the orphanage, because there's a lot of hungry babies down there"
  • the last and final vignette ("What Happens During Ejaculation?") set in the mind of a human body (portrayed as a gigantic futuristic control center headed by The Operator (Tony Randall) - the brain) during a man's romantic involvement, beginning with seduction and arousal, and leading to sexual intercourse (penetration and ejaculation); in the man's testicles, a white-clad, neurotic Sperm # 1 (Woody Allen) expressed metaphysical doubts and fears - ("I'm scared. I don't want to go out there") - about how he was to be ejaculated or launched suicidally - actually parachuted as a paratrooper - into enemy territory from Sidney's body during a hot petting session with a date known as The Girl (Erin Fleming) in a parked car; The Operator (Tony Randall) in the brain control-room was instructing the male: "Prepare to stroke her thighs", while brawny, hairy men cranked a mechanical device to achieve the erection, and the Switchboard Operator (Burt Reynolds) reported: "Erection is at 45 degrees and holding fast...Attempt penetration"; an out-of-place black sperm was confused and wondering: "What am I doing here? What am I doing here?!"; Sperm # 1 expressed more concerns: "I'm not going out there! I'm not gonna get shot out of that thing! What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to wind up on the ceiling...Fellas, it's dark out there"; the Switchboard reported: "We can't hold out any longer. Prepare for release of sperm"; as the sperm were ejected one by one, they cried out: "See you guys in the ovary...Save me an egg..."; Sperm # 1 noted: "Well, at least he is Jewish"; after successful ejaculation, the Operator congratulated everyone "on a job well done" - but then, the Girl asked for more: "That was great, Sidney. Let's do it one more time" - and a warned was issued about a new attempt: "We're going for seconds! Attention, gonads, we're going for a record!" - the film's final line
"What Happens During Ejaculation?"

In the Testicles: "I'm scared"

The Mission's Operator in the Control Center

Sperm In the Chute

"What am I doing here?"

The Girl

"We're going for seconds"
"Do Aphrodisiacs Work?"

Fool: "Do you like the way I fooled these guys?"

Hand Caught in Locked Chastity Belt

"What is Sodomy?"

Dr. Ross

Mr. Milos With Daisy

Sex with Daisy

"Are the Findings of Doctors and Clinics Who Do Sexual Research and Experiments Accurate?"

Mad, Unorthodox Sex Scientist Dr. Bernardo (John Carradine)

"Every body needs milk"

A Giant Brassiere Corrals Runaway Breast


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