Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)

In Woody Allen's sex comedy, there were seven witty comedy segments or episodes based on Dr. David Reuben's notorious, best-selling sex manual:

• the opening images under the title credits, to the tune of Cole Porter's 1927 song "Let's Misbehave," were of dozens of white rabbits with pink ears and twitching noses (who had multiplied rapidly through misbehavior)

1st Segment: "Do Aphrodisiacs Work?"
The Court Jester-Fool (Woody Allen)	The King (Anthony Quale)	The Queen (Lynn Redgrave)

• in a medieval historical drama titled "Do Aphrodisiacs Work?", the film's first episode and a parody of Hamlet, a court jester Fool (Woody Allen) at the time of the Black Plague, attempted to amuse the King (Anthony Quale) during a feast but failed with his jokes and was considered "unfunny"; afterwards, the Fool briefly fondled the Queen's (Lynn Redgrave) breasts in the gardens; she asked him about touching her "royal tomatoes": "Didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?'; the Fool denied it, but was warned about the King's wrath if he did touch her
• the Fool asked himself in a soliloquy: "If only I could see the Queen's bare bodkin. Or anybody's bare bodkin, for that matter"; he was visited by the ghost of his father who commanded him to have sex with the Queen: "I can't rest unless thee makest it with the Queen," but the Fool sadly realized he was seeking the impossible: "She is a Queen and I am a baseborn Fool. I can't screw above my station"; he was advised to see a Sorcerer (Geoffrey Holder) to acquire an aphrodisiac love potion; he was instructed: "This, placed softly in the Queen's drink will make her blood boil. Her passion unbridled, lustful" but warned that he would be chopped up if caught
• the Fool made a smug aside back to the camera after tricking two guards and entering Her Majesty's royal chamber with the drink: "Did you like the way I fooled these guys?", but then after she drank the "soothing potion" and passionately begged to be led to the bed: "Make love to me now, ravage me and take me now," he was foiled and obstructed by the Queen's metal chastity belt ("heavy underwear") when she removed her dress; the Queen announced: "'Tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened on me that no man but him shalsst havest the goodst of the body"; the Fool announced his plan: "Here now, with most grievous dispatch, I will open the latch and get to her snatch"); he realized that he had to hurry: "I must think of something quickly, because before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting"; as he attacked the metal belt with an axe, he called it "beaver shooting"
• after he had successfully picked the chastity belt's lock, "the portals of ecstasy" were now his - but he had awakened the King with "loud banging," and had to relock and close it: ("Lock the royal box"); however, he had caught his hand inside the back of the chastity belt: ("I always get my hand in the cookie jar, so to speak"); when the King approached, the Fool hid his hand under the Queen's dress, and then hid his entire body under the dress before being discovered; he gave a feeble excuse for being there: ("Remember you said that if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?"); the Fool was prepared for the executioner's chopping block to be beheaded, but claimed his innocence: "I don't know what everybody's getting so upset for. I never humped her, you know"

1st Segment: "Do Aphrodisiacs Work?"
Court Jester Fool: "Did you like the way I fooled these guys?"	In Bed With the Queen After She Drank an Aphrodisiac Potion	Stymied by the Queen's Chastity Belt
Attempting to Open the Chastity Belt	The Fool's Hand Caught in the Back of the Relocked Chastity Belt	The Fool Hiding Under the Queen's Dress

• in the second improbable sketch about bestiality: "What is Sodomy?" - medical practitioner Dr. Doug Ross (Gene Wilder) was treating an unmarried Armenian patient/sheepherder named Mr. Stavros Milos (Titos Vandis), who confessed: ("I'm in love with a sheep"); he went even further, admitting that one night in the previous summer, he became lonely and his body needed to be satisfied; he sodomized one of his sheep (named Daisy): "I took Daisy off to a little cove and there, under the Armenian sky, had sexual intercourse.... it was the greatest lay I ever had"; but then he complained that Daisy no longer loved him; she had fallen out of love and grown "cold, indifferent"; Dr. Ross claimed he couldn't treat Mr. Milos any further and ordered him out of the office: "I'm an MD. I'm not a veterinarian!...It's not normal to experience mature love for anything with four legs"

2nd Segment: "What is Sodomy?"
Mr. Milos Bringing Daisy Into the Doctor's Waiting Room	Daisy in the Doctor's Private Office	Dr. Ross Falling Under Daisy's Spell

• once the bleating Daisy was brought in Mr. Milos' arms into Dr. Ross' waiting room and then into his private office, the doctor claimed that Mr. Milos had a psychiatric problem; but the more he looked at Daisy and stroked her wool coat, he began to also fall in love with her; the doctor asked to see Daisy alone; that evening at home, his wife Ann Ross (Elaine Giftos) caught him fondling his lambswool sweater in the bedroom; the next day, Mr. Milos returned to Dr. Ross' office with Daisy, to seek counseling; Dr. Ross privately confessed his love to Daisy: "You from the hills of Armenia and me from Jackson Heights. And yet, I think it could work if we gave it a chance"
• the doctor rented a hotel room to have sex with the animal during afternoons (with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door), and strangely ordered chilled wine, caviar, and "just plain green grass" for room service; soon after, his suspicious wife wondered why he refused sex and was so tired; in bed with Daisy after sex, Dr. Ross reacted: "Boy, that was really something. I never thought it could be like this. Never in my wildest imagination. You're really something special. I love our L-shaped room. I'll never forget these afternoons we have together. I don't think I've ever known such peace and happiness in my life. I hope you feel the same way"
• soon after, Dr. Ross placed a diamond necklace around Daisy's neck; when he met up with Ann later, she suspiciously thought he smelled like lamb chops; then, Ann caught him redhanded in bed with Daisy, when police arrested him and took an incriminating photo, although the doctor pleaded innocence: "We're just friends!...This is Mrs. Bencourse. One of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep"; Dr. Ross became a defendant in a divorce trial for adultery with a sheep (under 18 years of age); convicted, Ann took all of his money and savings, his license was revoked, and he was forced to take a lowly waiter job and soon went insane; the segment ended with Daisy abducted back to Armenia by Mr. Milos; the disgraced doctor ended up on Skid Row drinking from a bottle of Woolite
• the next and third artistic segment: "Why Do Some Women Have Trouble Reaching an Orgasm?" - was a Casanova '70 (1965) spoof, with references to two Italian directors Fellini and Antonioni; in the segment, upper-class, frigid Italian newlywed Gina (Louise Lasser) was frustrating to her fumbling Italian husband Fabrizio (Woody Allen), who struggled at home to stimulate her with foreplay until he collapsed exhausted; however, in public places, she became orgasmically excitable and begged: "Take me, do it to me," he asked: "Here?!...There's people all around... We could get caught!"; he realized the thrill of sex was from "the danger...the fear of being caught. The sinful, mischievous, naughty, tempting of fate - that's what she needs"

4th Segment: "Are Transvestites Homosexuals?"
Transvestite Sam Filing a Report of Purse Snatching With Police	Tess: "My God! She's my husband"	Tess to Sam: "You could have come to me..."

• the fourth segment asked the question: "Are Transvestites Homosexuals?" with a portrayal of middle-aged married transvestite Sam Waterman (Lou Jacobi); while he and his wife Tess attended a family birthday dinner, he snuck upstairs to put on women's clothing; but when another family member approached the room, he fled to a window and dropped to the ground outdoors; after his purse was snatched, police arrived with sirens blaring and insisted on filing a report; his identity was revealed to his wife and the other guests; she screamed: "My God! She's my husband!", later in their own home's bedroom, Tess asked why he hadn't told her the truth of his illness: "Sam, we've been married for years. I love you. You love me. You could have come to me and said, 'Tess, I have a diseased mind. I'm a sick individual. I need help. I need treatment. I'm perverted. I'm unfit to function with normal, decent people.' I would have understood"; their marriage was saved and Sam promised to see a doctor the following week

5th Segment: "What Are Sex Perverts?"
"What's My Perversion?" Game Show	Bernard Jaffe's Perversion
Four Celebrity Panelists	Rabbi Baumel with Host Jack Barry

• the fifth episodic vignette was titled: "What Are Sex Perverts?", presented as a TV-game show known as "What's My Perversion?" - a black and white take-off of the 1950s-1960s game show "What's My Line?"; Jack Barry (as Himself) hosted the show with four celebrity panelists -- Regis Philbin, Robert Q. Lewis, Pamela Mason, and Toni Holt; they were unable to guess the mystery contestant Bernard Jaffe's (H.E. West) perversion - that he liked to expose himself on the NYC subways; the second part of the episode featured a home viewer who was selected to act out his "fetish" live on the show; orthodox Jewish Rabbi Chaim Baumel (Baruch Lumet) from Muncie, IN proceeded to enact his "hangup" -- it was an S&M fantasy of being tied up in a chair and spanked-whipped for naughty behavior by his governess, as his wife ate forbidden pork at his feet

6th Segment: "Are the Findings of Doctors and Clinics Who Do Sexual Research and Experiments Accurate?"
Victor (Woody Allen) and Helen (Heather MacRae)	Mad, Unorthodox Sex Scientist Dr. Bernardo (John Carradine)	Igor (Ref Sanchez)

• the film's 6th segment titled "Are the Findings of Doctors and Clinics Who Do Sexual Research and Experiments Accurate?" was a Frankenstein horror/monster movie spoof; research biologist Victor Shakapopulis (Woody Allen) and pretty journalist Helen Lacey (Heather MacRae) from The Globe drove together to visit Dr. Bernardo's facility; the mad, unorthodox sex scientist Dr. Bernardo (John Carradine) was famous for being "the first man that ever measured the sound waves produced by an erection"
• Dr. Bernardo had an assistant named Igor (Ref Sanchez), and was conducting many "immoral" studies in his laboratory to discover new facts about sex; Helen complimented him on his studies on "Respiration During Orgasm"; the doctor bragged about his work: "I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that clitoral orgasm should not be only for women"; he explained how Igor was the result of his investigation of a 4-hour orgasm, and he was forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread; he was also studying premature ejaculation in the hippopotamus, and he planned to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a telephone company employee; he was also feeding a flat-chested woman silicone to improve her bust; when called insane, he replied: "That's what they said at Masters and Johnson, and all because I built a 400-foot diaphragm. Birth control for an entire nation at once"
• he threatened Helen to be the subject of his newest experiment with Boy Scouts: "In here I have 20 scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you"; as they tried to run away and his laboratory exploded, Dr. Bernardo accidentally let loose his fearsome creation - a runaway giant killer breast ("a gigantic tit"); Victor exclaimed: "I'm going home to get my catcher's mitt. It looks angry. The nipple's getting erect"; after it killed Dr. Bernardo and his assistant Igor, "the colossal boob" ravaged the countryside; Victor reported the incident and an alert was broadcast by the Woods County Sheriff (Dort Clark): "Be on the lookout for a large female breast...about a 4,000 with an X-cup"; Victor was worried: "We're up against a very clever tit - it shoots half and half," but he assured Helen: "I know how to handle tits"
• when Victor was squirted by the breast, he held up a crucifix - and he was able to lure the breast into one side of an enormous brassiere to corral it: (Helen: "Victor, I'm so proud of you. You did it. Oh, oh, I was so worried. Were you scared?...I thought you were gonna get nursed to death"); however, the Sheriff was still concerned: ("Only one thing bothers me, though. That's a single....Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs...well, I've never seen one by itself. I mean, two, yes, but not just one. So what we're gonna do. We're gonna take a nipple print, just so that we'll have identification on this one, see? Now, I think we'll put her on probation for maybe 90 days and then take her down to the orphanage, because there's a lot of hungry babies down there"); Victor then admitted he wanted to have sex with Helen, but had some reservations: "I've never told anyone this before, but when I was a little child, I was breast-fed from falsies. The truth of the matter is, I've learned one thing from this whole situation, and that is, when it comes to sex, there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be"

7th Segment: "What Happens During Ejaculation?"
The Mission's Operator (Tony Randall) in the Control Center	The Mission's Switchboard (Burt Reynolds)

• the last and final 7th vignette was a sci-fi exploration spoof titled: ("What Happens During Ejaculation?"); the setting was a simulated interior and mind of a human body (portrayed as a gigantic futuristic control center headed by The Operator (Tony Randall) - the brain) with a Switchboard Operator (Burt Reynolds) during a man's romantic involvement on a dinner-date, beginning with seduction and arousal, and leading afterwards to sexual intercourse (penetration and ejaculation)
• after dinner, Sydney's NYU date, credited as The Girl (Erin Fleming), suggested doing it ("My place or your place?"); the Sperm in the testicles were alerted to go on "Stand-by" and wondered if it was another "false alarm"; as the couple went to the parking lot, Sydney impatiently wanted to have sex in their parked car, and the two engaged in a hot kissing and petting session
• The Operator in the brain control-room was instructing everyone to "prepare for launching," but there was a delay in the male acquiring an erection while brawny, hairy men cranked a mechanical device to achieve the erection ("We've got to get it up!"); finally, it was announced after a kiss: "We have an erection of 45 degrees," and there were preparations for "penetration"
• meanwhile, in the man's testicles, a white-clad, neurotic Sperm # 1 (Woody Allen) expressed metaphysical doubts and fears about his mission or goal of reaching the ovum - ("I'm scared. I don't want to go out there") - and about how he was to be ejaculated or launched suicidally from Sydney's body - actually parachuted as a paratrooper - into enemy territory; there were worries if the female's birth control pills would stop him, or if the male was wearing a condom ("sometimes the guys will slam their heads up against a wall of hard rubber"), or if it might be a homosexual encounter
• when the male's erection started to subside, he was urged to re-stimulate pleasure centers: "Prepare to stroke her thighs", and the Switchboard happily reported: "Erection is at 45 degrees and holding fast...Attempt penetration"; meanwhile, as the sperm began moving in the testicles, an out-of-place black sperm was confused and wondering: "What am I doing here? What am I doing here?!"
• but then, there were concerns that the male was losing his erection due to his guilty conscience and reflex; Sperm # 1 expressed more concerns: "I'm not going out there! I'm not gonna get shot out of that thing! What if he's masturbating? I might as well wind up on the ceiling...Fellas, it's dark out there"; the Switchboard reported: "We can't hold out any longer. Prepare for release of sperm"; the Operator exalted: "We're inside, we're making it"
• as the sperm were ejected one by one, they cried out: "See you guys in the ovary...Save me an egg..."; Sperm # 1 noted: "Well, at least he'sJewish"; after successful ejaculation, the Operator congratulated everybody "on a fine job well done" - but then, the Girl asked for more: "That was great, Sydney. Let's do it one more time" - and a warning was issued about a new attempt: "We're going for seconds! Attention, gonads, we're going for a record!" - the film's final line