Greatest Film Scenes
and Moments

Porky's (1982)


Written by Tim Dirks

Title Screen
Movie Title/Year and Scene Descriptions

Porky's (1982)

In writer/director Bob Clark's notoriously infantile, vulgar and distasteful coming-of-age teen sex comedy, attracting mostly male audiences worried about their virility or the size of their manhood - and responsible for ushering in a flood of similar teen-oriented material, some of it superb (Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) and The Last American Virgin (1982)); it was the ultimate precursor to the raunchy series American Pie (1999) almost two decades later:

  • the film's simpleton premise: in the year 1954, several over-sexed boys in a South Florida high school (fictitious Angel Beach High) sought to lose their virginity - especially aptly-named gullible basketball player Edward "Pee Wee" Morris (Dan Monahan) who was always horny and obsessed with getting 'laid'; during the opening title credits, Pee Wee woke up to check his penile length with a wooden ruler - he was always disappointed with the results
  • in the opening scene, students milled around at Angel Beach High, when co-ed freshman Mindy (Jill Whitlow) was prompted by one of her girlfriends to strut over to muscle-bound Anthony Tuperello (aka 'Meat') for a question: "Can I ask you somethin'?...Why do they call you 'Meat'?...Why do they call you 'Meat'? Because you're so big?"; he non-chalantly answered 'yes' and suggested he could show her to prove it
  • Pee Wee was pranked by his pals one night into stripping naked at Cherry Forever's (Susan Clark) dilapidated shack in the swamps - purportedly to prove he was "clean" (of VD); Pee Wee was the first to be nude and was joyously expectant: ("I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus"); when Cherry checked him out, she asked: "What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band? You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in. Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it"
The Prank with Cherry Forever

Pee Wee Stripping Down Naked: "OK, I'm ready"

Inspections by Cherry Forever (Susan Clark)

Expectantly Waiting
  • it was all a set-up to make it look like Cherry's black 'husband' (a drunken stranger who was part of the ploy) returned and jealously chopped up and bloodied Tommy Turner (Wyatt Knight) in the back bedroom with a machete; Pee Wee fled from the house and became stranded outdoors naked - totally embarrassed; he was spotted running down the road by two cops in a patrol car

Attack of Black Man with Machete

Pee Wee Running Naked Outdoors in Middle of Night
  • the film's title was derived from a sleazy, legally questionable, rowdy red-neck strip joint and bar in the Everglades named Porky's where five of the teens sought action one night; they negotiated with Porky Wallace (Chuck Mitchell), the owner of the bar/brothel, to have three prostitutes for half an hour for $100; they were deceived by being led into a dark room and dumped into the swamp through a trap door in the floor; when Porky's brother (corrupt Sheriff Wallace (Alex Karras)) arrived, the humiliated boys were cited for broken headlights (broken by the Sheriff himself) and told to never return; the boys soon plotted their revenge
  • Pee Wee made a prank pay-phone call to Wendy (Kaki Hunter), a waitress at Deadbeat's - a roadside diner hangout, asking her: "Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's s'posed to be there....His name's Michael Hunt... uh Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike"; the clueless Wendy turned to the patrons and asked in a loud voice: "Is Mike Hunt here? Is Mike Hunt here? Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?"; when she turned and asked the guys at the counter: "Do you know Mike..." - she suddenly realized how she had been fooled: "Pee Wee! I'm gonna get you! You little prick! And I mean that literally!"
  • there was a heated, insult-ladden show-down argument in a stairwell between gym teacher Ms. Lynn Honeywell (Kim Cattrall in an early role) and head gym coach Ms. Balbricker (Nancy Parsons), when she caught Honeywell flirting with Coach Brackett (Boyd Gaines); Ms. Balbricker complained: "Ms. Honeywell. Do you mind?...The two of you squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. You're a disgrace," and Ms. Honeywell retorted: "Yeah? Well I'm certainly not stompin and waddlin' around like a frilly hippopotamus, Beulah! Beulah Ball-breaker... Well, if I heard a herty-gerty playing, I'd think I was talkin' to the fat lady in the circus, but as it is, I guess I'm talkin' to a ton of bad news named Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH!"; Ms. Balbricker threatened to have Ms. Honeywell fired for "moral turpitude" but Honeywell wasn't intimidated: "You can take your moral turpitude and you can stick it up the old gazoo, Beulah!"
  • in the film's most infamous equipment room scene, horny, turned-on Ms. Honeywell (nicknamed "Lassie") revealed the reason for her nickname (Coach Warren: "Just get her up in the equipment room, you'll find out. But beware of King Kong") -- after she and randy Coach Brackett both removed each other's underwear and her skimpy blue skirt was pulled off, she was in the midst of orgasmic love-making when she let out a loud, shrill 'Lassie' dog-howl ("Yes, yes, yes!"), heard echoing throughout the entire gymnasium; to stifle her screams, Brackett stuffed socks into her mouth to gag her; shortly later, Brackett's excuse was that he had "a case of the runs"
  • in the "Peeping Tom" scene in the girls' shower-room, one of the teens exclaimed after viewing through a peep-hole: (Tommy: "Jesus Christ! It's the mother lode"; Billy (Mark Herrier): "I've never seen so much wool! You could knit a sweater"; Tommy: "This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history of Florida"); the towel-clad girls discovered the boys ogling them after Pee Wee (with a mostly blocked and obstructed view) yelled out at obese Nola McNeil: ("Goddammit, will you move it, you lard-ass!"), revealing their hidden location
  • one of the guys - Tommy - announced in a deep voice: "Don't be alarmed, girls. This is just your health department. We're here to check out all unlicensed pussies. Please step forward and spread your legs... Originality, neatness, and hygiene"; then, he placed his tongue through the spyhole, and Wendy slapped soap onto it; to play along further, he stuck his member through the hole: ("I'll give you something to play with"), and Wendy reacted knowingly: ("Hey, wait a minute, I know that guy") just as head gym coach Ms. Balbricker appeared; she charged forward to make a painful two-handed grab; she cried out in glee: "I've got you *NOW*, TOMMY TURNER! And I'm taking you to the principal!...Somebody get me the principal! Mr. Carter! Somebody get me the principal!...You disgusting, little, filthy, pervert!... (Tommy escaped from her grasp) You freak! You filthy little pervert. I know you're in there. You dirty little dickhead!"
Ms. Balbricker Grabbing Tommy's Member
  • after the shower room incident, there was a hilarious scene in the principal's office; Ms. Balbricker implored the school's prudish principal Mr. Carter (Eric Christmas) to have a penis line-up to identify the boy who displayed his member through the peep-hole: ("Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox, but I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous...I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again"); she was met with stifled laughter from the two male coaches in the room; Carter was nervous about using the word 'penis': ("Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a 'tallywhacker'? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal....Can you imagine what the Board of Education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private parts for an incriminating mole?"); Coach Brackett offered a solution: "We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up WANTED posters all over school -- 'Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School'"; even Mr. Carter burst into laughter
  • in the film's finale, the boys found revenge on Porky's by dumping the owner and some of his men into the swamp; they also pulled the entire bar apart with a tow truck, and eventually blew it up and collapsed the building
  • during the closing credits, Pee Wee finally lost his virginity to Wendy on a school bus, and pounded his chest like Tarzan through the window before she pulled him back in for more

Pee Wee Measuring His Penile Length

Mindy: "Why do they call you 'Meat'?"

Porky's Bar/Brothel: "Get It at Porky's"

Porky's Strip-Joint with Dancers - and Underage Drinking

Negotiating with Porky For Girls in the Backroom

Boys Pranked at Porky's: Dumped Into Swamp Water

Run Off by Local Sheriff Wallace (Alex Karras)

Wendy: "Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?"

Ms. Honeywell (with Coach Brackett) vs. Ms. Balbricker

Ms. Honeywell's "Lassie" Howl

Lassie's Howls Heard Everywhere

Flabbergasted Principal Mr. Carter Listening to Ms. Balbricker ("I'd recognize that penis anywhere")

Destruction of Porky's

Pee Wee's Victory Over Virginity


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