Funniest Movie Quotes




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The Funniest Movie Quotes
(in the last 50 years -- in chronological order)

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room."
(Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964))
Play clip (excerpt): Dr. Strangelove: Or,... - 1964

"I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts."
(Bananas (1971))

"Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!"
(Blazing Saddles (1974))
Play clip (excerpt): Blazing Saddles

- "Taggart."
- "Yes, sir."
- "I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes."
- "What do you want me to do, sir?"
- "I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. Take this down: 'I want rustlers, cut-throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nit-wits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bush-whackers, horn-swagglers, horse-thieves, bull-dykes, train-robbers, bank-robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
- "Could you repeat that, sir?"
(Blazing Saddles (1974))
Play clip (excerpt): Blazing Saddles

- "What knockers!" (referring to giant door knockers)
- "Oh, thank you, Doctor."
Young Frankenstein (1974)

Play clip (excerpt): Young Frankenstein

- "If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?"
- "Putting on the Ritz."

Young Frankenstein (1974)
Play clip (excerpt): Young Frankenstein

- "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction."
- "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
- "Is there someone else up there we could talk to?"
- "No, now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975))

Play clips (excerpt): Monty Python and the Holy Grail Monty Python and the Holy Grail

- "What makes you think she's a witch?"
- "Well, she turned me into a newt!"
- "A newt?"
- (meekly) "I got better."
- "Burn her anyway!"

(Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975))
Play clip (excerpt): Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
(Annie Hall (1977))

Play clip (excerpt): Annie Hall

"I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
(Annie Hall (1977))

"What? Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"
(Animal House (1978))
Play clip (excerpt): Animal House - 1978

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
(Animal House (1978))

Play clip (excerpt): Animal House

"...My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi..."
(The Jerk (1979))
Play clip (excerpt): The Jerk

"I know we've only known each other for four weeks and three days, but to me, it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day, you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."
(The Jerk (1979))
Play clip (excerpt): The Jerk

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
(Airplane! (1980))
Play clip (excerpt): Airplane! - 1980

- "Surely you can't be serious."
- "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
(Airplane! (1980))

Play clip (excerpt): Airplane

"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
(Airplane! (1980))

Play clip (excerpt): Airplane!

"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God."
(The Blues Brothers (1980))

Play clip (excerpt): The Blues Brothers

"Thank you very little."
(Caddyshack (1980))

Play clip (excerpt): Caddyshack

"The royal penis is clean, your Highness!"
(Coming to America (1980))
Play clip (excerpt): Coming to America

- "But where in New York can one find a woman with grace, elegance, taste and culture? A woman suitable for a king."
- "Queens!"
(Coming to America (1980))

Play clip (excerpt): Coming to America

"Thank you for a memorable afternoon. Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature."
(Arthur (1981))

Play clip (excerpt): Arthur

- "A real woman could stop you from drinking."
- "It’d have to be a real BIG woman."

(Arthur (1981))

Play clip (excerpt): Arthur

"We Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation but I hear that's coming quickly."
(History of the World, Part 1 (1981))

- "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur."
- "Gentlemen, welcome aboard."
- "Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn."
- "Unger."
- "Oveur."
- "Oveur."
- "Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work."
- "Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?"
- "Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn."
- "Yep."
- "So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger."
- "Yep."
- "That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn."
- "So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn."
- "Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn."
(Airplane II: The Sequel (1982))

Play clip (excerpt): Airplane II: The Sequel

"I think you're all f--ked in the head. We're ten hours from the f--kin' fun park and you wanna bail out. Well, I'll tell ya something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much f--kin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our god-damn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! Ha, ha, ha, ha! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Oh, s--t!"
(National Lampoon's Vacation (1983))
Play clip (excerpt): National Lampoon's Vacation

"I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people."
(Zelig (1983))

"Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the f--kin' charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?"
(Beverly Hills Cop (1984))

"We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay-Puffs okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York. We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!"
(Ghostbusters (1984))

"Relax, would you? We got seventy dollars, and we got a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens, okay?"
(Sixteen Candles (1984))
Play clip (excerpt): Sixteen Candles

- "Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?"
- "These go to eleven."
(This Is Spinal Tap (1984))
Play clip (excerpt):
This is Spinal Tap (short) This is Spinal Tap (long)

"Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Hey! Think, McFly. Think!"
(Back to the Future (1985))
Play clip (excerpt): Back to the Future

"Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond."
(Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986))

Play clip (excerpt): Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C., he could end up an M.I.A., and then we'd all be put on K.P."
(Good Morning, Vietnam (1987))

Play clip (excerpt): Good Morning, Vietnam

- "Let's do what one shepherd said to the other shepherd."
- "What?"
- "Let's get the flock out of here."

(Lethal Weapon (1987))

Play clip (excerpt): Lethal Weapon

"I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."
(Spaceballs (1987))
Play clip (excerpt): Spaceballs

- "Don't call me stupid."
- "Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?"
- "Apes don't read philosophy."
- "Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not 'Every man for himself.' And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked 'em up."
(A Fish Called Wanda (1988))

Play clips (excerpts): A Fish Called Wanda A Fish Called Wanda A Fish Called Wanda

"Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."
(The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988))

- "Nice beaver."
- "Thank you. I just had it stuffed."
- "Let me help you with that."
(The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988))
Play clip (excerpt): The Naked Gun

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."
(They Live (1988))
Play clip (excerpt): They Live

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
(Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989))

"Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face."
(Steel Magnolias (1989))

"I'll have what she's having."
(When Harry Met Sally... (1989))
Play clips (excerpts): When Harry Met Sally... - 1989
When Harry Met Sally... - 1989 (extended)

"Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want."
(The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990))

"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."
(City Slickers (1991))

"I crap bigger than you."
(City Slickers (1991))

Play clip (excerpt): City Slickers

- "I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say: 'Hey! Look at these!' She was the kind of woman that made you want to drop to your knees, and thank God you were a man! Yeah! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it."
- "Frank, snap outta it! You're lookin' at her like she was your mother, for Christ's sake."
(The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991))
Play clip (excerpt): The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."
(What About Bob? (1991))

"Are you crying? There's no crying! There's no crying in baseball!"
(A League of Their Own (1992))

Play clips (excerpt): A League of Their Own (short) A League of Their Own (long)

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age...Yes, they do."
(Dazed and Confused (1993))

Play clip (excerpt): Dazed and Confused

"Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you - but I'm not going to."
(Groundhog Day (1993))
Play clip (excerpt): Groundhog Day

"If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer."
(Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994))

Play clip (excerpt): Ace Ventura

"Do not go in there. Whoa!"
(Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994))

Play clip (excerpt): Ace Ventura

- "Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys. You never mentioned him!"
- "Because I never had sex with him."
- "You sucked his dick!"
- "We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around."
- "Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?"
- "Because I did only have sex with three different guys. That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people."
- "Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!"
- "I'm sorry, Dante. I thought you understood!"
- "I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!"
- "Please calm down."
- "How many?"
- "Dante..."
- "How many dicks have you sucked?"
- "Let it go!"
- "How many?"
- "All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you f--ked!"
- "This is different, this is important. How many? - Well?"
- "Something like...36."
- "What? Something like 36?"
- "Lower your voice."
- "Wait a minute, what is that anyway? Something like 36? Does that include me?"
- "Uh, 37."
- "I'm 37!"
(Clerks (1994))

Play clip (excerpt): Clerks

"Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin' like this -- and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!"
(Dumb & Dumber (1994))

Play clip (excerpt): Dumb & Dumber

"Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listenin' to her enough, or somethin'. I don't know, I wasn't really payin' attention."
(Dumb & Dumber (1994))

Play clip (excerpt): Dumb & Dumber

- "Hey look everybody! Billy peed his pants."
- "Of course I peed my pants, everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest."
- "Really?"
- "YES! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants."
- "Wow! Hey, man. Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!"
- "If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis."

(Billy Madison (1995))
Play clip (excerpt): Billy Madison

"God gave men brains larger than dogs' so they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties."
(Hackers (1995))

Play clip (excerpt): Hackers

"Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat..."
(Tommy Boy (1995))

Play clip (excerpt): Tommy Boy

(to Bob Barker) "The price is wrong, bitch."
(Happy Gilmore (1996))

Play clip (excerpt): Happy Gilmore

(to his golf ball) "You little son of a bitch, ball! Why you don’t you just go HOME? That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!"
(Happy Gilmore (1996))

Play clip (excerpt): Happy Gilmore

"I don't date these girls because they're well-read. I gave one of them a copy of Farewell to Arms. She thought it was a diet book."
(The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996))

"Mike. I'm tellin' ya, you're money. You're so f--kin' money!"
(Swingers (1996))

Play clip (excerpt): Swingers

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds - pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking - I suggest you try it."
(Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997))
Play clip (excerpt): Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

"You know, my mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention."
(Antz (1998))

"...Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man."
(The Big Lebowski (1998))

Play clip (excerpt): The Big Lebowski

"I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. One day he tells me it's my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him."
(Living Out Loud (1998))

- "What's that bubble there?"
- "What do you think?"
- "How'd you get the beans above the frank?"
- "I don't know, it wasn't like it was a well, thought-out plan."
(There's Something About Mary (1998))
Play clip (excerpt): There's Something About Mary

"Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up."
(The Wedding Singer (1998))

Play clip (excerpt): The Wedding Singer

"Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy..."
(American Pie (1999))
Play clip (excerpt):
American Pie

- "Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately."
- "I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob."
(Office Space (1999))

Play clip (excerpt): Office Space

"And I-I said, I don't care if they lay me off, either. Because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting. I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels and they were married, but then they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler....And, oh, no, it's not okay because if they make me, if they, If they take my stapler then I'll, I'll have to, I'll set the building on fire."
(Office Space (1999))
Play clip (excerpt): Office Space

- "I had no idea you could milk a cat."
- "Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples."
- "I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?"
(Meet the Parents (2000))

Play clip (excerpt): Meet the Parents

"How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?...I don't want to hear your excuses. The center has to be at least three times bigger than this."
(Zoolander (2001))

Play clip (excerpt): Zoolander

"Of course, we're not going to go round (naked) parading ourselves in a room full of men. This isn't... France, for God's sake!"
(Calendar Girls (2003))

"I just sharted...I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted."
(Along Came Polly (2004))
Play clip (excerpt): Along Came Polly

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"
(Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004))

Play clip (excerpt): Anchorman

"Do you know who I am?...I don't know how to put this, but, I'm kind of a big deal...People know me."
(Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004))

Play clip (excerpt): Anchorman

- "I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense."
- "What do you mean?"
- "It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain."
- "Really? That's amazing."
- "Well, they can tell when it's raining."
(Mean Girls (2004))

Play clip (excerpt): Mean Girls

"I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to."
(Napoleon Dynamite (2004))

Play clip (excerpt): Napoleon Dynamite

- "Ooh! Look at these two hot chickens. Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me. Huh. Come on, Do it. Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it."
- "Maybe he means a kiss. We're doing little voices - undercover."
- "Come on, sweetie. Do it."
- "Okay, Okay."
- "Oh, that's a sweet little pucker."
(Starsky & Hutch (2004))
Play clip (excerpt):
Starsky & Hutch

"We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get f--ked by dicks. But dicks also f--k assholes - assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can f--k an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes, they f--k too much, or f--k when it isn't appropriate... And it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us f--k this asshole, we're gonna have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit!"
(Team America: World Police (2004))
Play clip (excerpt): Team America

"Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh --- Kelly Clarkson!"
(The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005))

Play clip (excerpt): The 40 Year-Old Virgin

"Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call 'dating.' I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering: do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested, I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested…And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out 'cause you’re tryin' not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called 'just the tip.' Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch, you’re on my hair."
(Wedding Crashers (2005))
Play clip (excerpt): Wedding Crashers

"Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming."
(Basic Instinct 2 (2006))

"I like to make sexy time!"
(Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006))

"It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the drawing on the floor."
(The Pink Panther (2006))

"When God created woman,
He gave her not two breasts but three.
When the middle one got in the way,
God performed surgery.
Woman stood before God,
With the middle breast in hand.
Said, 'What do we do with the useless boob?'
And God created man."

(A Prairie Home Companion (2006))

"Well, Dick, here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. (And nobody can handle my stuff. Uh, you know, I'm just a, just a big hairy American winnin' machine. If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talkin' about? That phrase is trademarked not to be used without permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.)"
(Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006))

Play clip (excerpt): Talladega Nights

"Marriage is like an unfunny tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."
(Knocked Up (2007))

Play clip (excerpt): Knocked Up

- "Where do babies come from?"
- "Where do you think they come from?"
- "Well, I think a stork he drops it down, and then a hole goes in your body, and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head, and then you push your belly button, and then your butt falls off, and then you hold your butt and you have to dig, and you find a little baby."
- "That's exactly right."

(Knocked Up (2007))
Play clip (excerpt): Knocked Up

- "She had the biggest tits I've ever seen, I think."
- "Yeah, I heard she got breast reduction surgery."
- "What? Makin' her tits smaller? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a gorgeous gift."

(Superbad (2007))

Play clip (excerpt): Superbad

"Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?"
(The House Bunny (2008))

- "Everybody knows you never go full retard."
- "What do you mean?"
- "Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man', look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know, Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump'. Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. And he was a god-damn war hero! You know any retarded war heroes? You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, 'I Am Sam,' Remember? Went full retard. Went home empty handed."
(Tropic Thunder (2008))

Play clip (excerpt): Tropic Thunder

"...First, take a big step back - and literally f--k your own face!"
(Tropic Thunder (2008))

Play clip (excerpt): Tropic Thunder

"It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it's not a man-purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one."
(The Hangover (2009))
Play clip (excerpt): The Hangover

"I'm glad he's single, because I'm gonna climb that like a tree."
(Bridesmaids (2011))
Play clip (excerpt): Bridesmaids

"I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!"
(Ted (2012))


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