Funniest Movie Quotes
(in the last 50 years -- in chronological order)
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room."
remember when I was a little boy, I-I
once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille,
and I used to rub the dirty parts."
Ralph! How much is a copy of Orgasm?"
We don't need no stinkin' badges!"
- "What knockers!" (referring
to giant door knockers)
- "If you're blue, and you don't know where to
go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?"
- "I don't want to talk to
you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I
fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster
and your father smelt of elderberries."
"Hey, don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love."
went to New York University, and, uhm, I was thrown out of
NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final.
You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next
"...My story? Okay. It was never easy for me.
I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin'
on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi..."
know we've only known each other for four weeks and three
days, but to me, it seems like nine weeks and five days.
The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed
like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again
and the fourth day seemed like eight days. But the fifth
day, you went to see your mother and that seemed just like
a day, but then you came back and later on the sixth day,
in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming
like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days
spilling over into the next day and that started seeming
like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the
seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the
sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written
down, but I-I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to
see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow when the time
is right, I'm gonna ask you to marry me. If that's okay
with you, just don't say anything. You've made me very happy."
Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god
for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is
premature ejaculation, but I hear that that's coming quickly."
- "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain,
you're all f--ked in the head. We're ten hours from the f--kin'
fun park and you wanna bail out. Well, I'll tell ya something.
This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun.
I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have
so much f--kin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our god-damn
smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah'
out of your assholes! Ha, ha, ha, ha! I gotta be crazy! I'm
on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Oh, s--t!"
- "Disturbing the peace."
"Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Hey! Think, McFly.
"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is
such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause
if it leaks to the V.C., he could end up an M.I.A., and then
we'd all be put on K.P."
- "Let's do what one shepherd said
to the other shepherd."
- "Don't call me stupid."
"Jane, since I've met you, I've
noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds
singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."
Truvy, I'm beyond help. Last week, I discovered the early
stages of crow's feet."
"I'll have what she's having."
What'd I say? Come on. Chicks. Some
people play hard to get. I play hard to want. I'd always
loved Jazz, 'cuz she despised me for who I truly am. It's
like that time we were at her parents' wedding anniversary
and I told that joke: 'What's the definition of vagina?'
'The box a penis comes in.' Uhh! I was stuck with a case
where Zuzu Petals and Art Mooney were battling out for the
'Lamest Clue of My Career' award."
- "I couldn't believe it was her. It
was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered
her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could
melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts
that seemed to say: 'Hey! Look at these!' She was the kind
of woman that made you want to drop to your knees, and thank
God you were a man! Yeah! She reminded me of my mother, all
right. No doubt about it."
but you said you only had sex with three different guys. You
never mentioned him!"
- "Hey look everybody! Billy peed his pants."
(to his golf ball) "You little son of
a bitch, ball! Why you don’t you just go HOME? That’s
your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK
MY WHITE ASS, BALL!"
love the old Rose. The one with no make-up and baggy clothes
who loves 'the perfect bite'. l love her. lt's real. lt's
not based on passion, although l feel that, or, or lust,
although l feel that. Or even physical attraction because
she wasn't uh, uh although l-I thought she was quite beautiful.
Her eyes, her mouth. The way she held herself, the way she
made fun of herself. She eats carrots now. lsn't that tragic?
What am l gonna do?"
"The details of my life are quite inconsequential...
Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving
boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and
a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year-old French
prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize,
he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented
the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being
lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess
and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon,
luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was
insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds
- pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received
my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named
Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is
nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking - I suggest
you try it."
think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very
anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had
time for me. You know, when you're the middle child in a
family of five million, you don't get any attention. I mean,
how is it possible?"
was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He
made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells
me it's my fault
he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him
it was his fault
I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time, but it
was worth it."
- "What's that bubble there?"
"And I-I said, I don't care if they
lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they
move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting,
I'm going to quit. And and I told Don too, because they've
moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to
be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and
they were merry. But then, they switched from the Swingline
to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because
it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the
Swingline stapler.....And, oh, no, it's not okay because
if they make me, if they, if they take my, my stapler then
I'll, I'll have to, I'll set the building on fire."
"How can we be expected to teach children
to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?...I
don't want to hear your excuses. The center has to be at
least three times bigger than this."
course, we're not gonna go round (naked) paradin' ourselves
in a room full of men! This isn't... France, for God's sake!
Lawrence will set up the photo, leave the room. Dressing
gowns come off. And one of us will click the shutter."
- "I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense."
- "Ooh! Look at these two hot chickens.
Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me. Huh. Come on, Do it.
Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it."
reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild
are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't
like dicks, because pussies get f--ked by dicks. But dicks
also f--k assholes - assholes that just want to s--t on everything.
Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.
But the only thing that can f--k an asshole is a dick, with
some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes, they
f--k too much, or f--k when it isn't appropriate... And it
takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes, pussies can
be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves.
Because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes.
I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know
that if you don't let us f--k this asshole, we're gonna have
our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit!"
"Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t
seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation
that people like to call 'dating.' I don’t like the
feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering:
do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too
much, are they talking enough, am I interested, I’m
not really interested, should I play like I’m interested
but I’m not that
interested but I think she might be interested but do I want
to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of
the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested…And
when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door
'cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight.
Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each
other like this and your ass sticks out 'cause you’re tryin'
not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them
on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very
difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re
just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make
some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called 'just
the tip.' Just for a second, just to see how it feels.
Or, ouch, ouch, you’re on my hair."
- "Kevin Franks had already stopped breathing by the time you
drove off the road."
there is a woman in a car. Can we follow her? And maybe make
the sexy-time with her?!"
you find it a little bit (of a) coincidence that the body
fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?"
"I would like to take a closer look at your bowls."
"When God created woman,
Dick, here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple.
I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. And
nobody can handle my stuff. Uh, you know, I'm just a, just
a big hairy American winnin' machine. If you ain't first,
you're last. You know, you know what I'm talkin' about? That
phrase is trademarked not to be used without permission of
Ricky Bobby, Inc."
- "Where do babies come from?"
- "She had the biggest tits I've
ever seen, I think."
- "Everybody knows you never go full