Funniest Movie Quotes
(in the last 50 years -- in chronological order)
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room."
"I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille.
I used to rub the dirty parts."
"Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!"
- "What knockers!" (referring
to giant door knockers)
- "If you're blue, and you don't know where to
go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?"
- "I don't want to talk to
you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I
fart in your general direction."
"Hey, don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love."
"I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my
metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting
next to me."
"...My story? Okay. It was never easy for me.
I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin'
on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi..."
"I know we've only known each other for four
weeks and three days, but to me, it seems like nine weeks
and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second
day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like
a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And
the fifth day, you went to see your mother and that seemed
just like a day, and then you came back and later on the
sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started
seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two
days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming
like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the
seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the
sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written
down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see
"We Romans are rich. We've got
a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing
we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation but I hear
that's coming quickly."
- "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain,
you're all f--ked in the head. We're ten hours from the f--kin'
fun park and you wanna bail out. Well, I'll tell ya something.
This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun.
I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have
so much f--kin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our god-damn
smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah'
out of your assholes! Ha, ha, ha, ha! I gotta be crazy! I'm
on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Oh, s--t!"
"I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese
twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people."
"Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's
the f--kin' charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh?
"We've been going about this all wrong.
This Mr. Stay-Puffs okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York.
We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!"
"Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Hey! Think, McFly.
"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is
such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause
if it leaks to the V.C., he could end up an M.I.A., and then
we'd all be put on K.P."
- "Let's do what one shepherd said
to the other shepherd."
- "Don't call me stupid."
"Jane, since I've met you, I've
noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds
singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."
"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue
"Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marching
across your face."
"I'll have what she's having."
"Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want."
"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."
- "I couldn't believe it was her. It
was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered
her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could
melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts
that seemed to say: 'Hey! Look at these!' She was the kind
of woman that made you want to drop to your knees, and thank
God you were a man! Yeah! She reminded me of my mother, all
right. No doubt about it."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so
- "Wait, but you said you only had sex
with three different guys. You never mentioned him!"
- "Hey look everybody! Billy peed his pants."
(to his golf ball) "You little son of
a bitch, ball! Why you don’t you just go HOME? That’s
your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK
MY WHITE ASS, BALL!"
"I don't date these girls because they're
well-read. I gave one of them a copy of Farewell
to Arms. She thought it was a diet book."
"The details of my life are quite inconsequential...
Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving
boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and
a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year-old French
prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize,
he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented
the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being
lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess
and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon,
luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was
insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds
- pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received
my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named
Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is
nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking - I suggest
you try it."
"You know, my mother never had time for me. When you're the
middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention."
"I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. One
day he tells me it's my fault he saw other women. So I picked
up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him."
- "What's that bubble there?"
"And I-I said, I don't care if they lay
me off, either. Because I told, I told Bill that if they
move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting.
I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've
moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to
be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels and
they were married, but then they switched from the Swingline
to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because
it didn't bind up as much and I kept the staples for the
Swingline stapler....And, oh, no, it's not okay because if
they make me, if they, If they take my stapler then I'll,
I'll have to, I'll set the building on fire."
"How can we be expected to teach children
to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?...I
don't want to hear your excuses. The center has to be at
least three times bigger than this."
"Of course, we're not going to go round (naked)
parading ourselves in a room full of men. This isn't... France,
for God's sake!"
- "I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense."
- "Ooh! Look at these two hot chickens.
Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me. Huh. Come on, Do it.
Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it."
"We're reckless, arrogant, stupid
dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong
Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies
get f--ked by dicks. But dicks also f--k assholes - assholes
that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they
can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can
f--k an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with
dicks is that sometimes, they f--k too much, or f--k when it
isn't appropriate... And it takes a pussy to show 'em that.
But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become
assholes themselves. Because pussies are only an inch and
half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy,
crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us f--k
this asshole, we're gonna have our dicks and our pussies
all covered in shit!"
"Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t
seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation
that people like to call 'dating.' I don’t like the
feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering:
do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too
much, are they talking enough, am I interested, I’m
not really interested, should I play like I’m interested
but I’m not that
interested but I think she might be interested but do I want
to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of
the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested…And
when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door
'cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight.
Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each
other like this and your ass sticks out 'cause you’re tryin'
not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them
on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very
difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re
just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make
some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called 'just
the tip.' Just for a second, just to see how it feels.
Or, ouch, ouch, you’re on my hair."
didn't see his mother coming."
"I like to make sexy time!"
"It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the drawing on the
"When God created woman,
"Well, Dick, here's the deal. I'm the
best there is. Plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the
morning and I piss excellence. (And
nobody can handle my stuff. Uh, you know, I'm just a, just
a big hairy American winnin' machine. If you ain't first,
you're last. You know, you know what I'm talkin' about? That
phrase is trademarked not to be used without permission of
Ricky Bobby, Inc.)"
- "Where do babies come from?"
- "She had the biggest tits I've
ever seen, I think."
"Instead of the mahi mahi, may
I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?"
- "Everybody knows you never go full
"I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere
out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank
for this great night!"