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Porky's (1982)
In writer/director Bob Clark's notoriously infantile,
vulgar and distasteful coming-of-age teen sex comedy, attracting
mostly male audiences worried about their virility or the size of
their manhood - and responsible for ushering in a flood of similar
teen-oriented material, some of it superb (Fast Times at Ridgemont
High (1982) and The Last American Virgin (1982)); it was
the ultimate precursor to the raunchy series American Pie (1999) almost
two decades later:
- the film's simpleton premise: in the year 1954,
several over-sexed boys in a South Florida high school (fictitious
Angel Beach High) sought to lose their virginity - especially aptly-named
gullible basketball player Edward "Pee Wee" Morris (Dan
Monahan) who was always horny and obsessed with getting 'laid';
during the opening title credits, Pee Wee woke up to check his
penile length with a wooden ruler - he was always disappointed
with the results
- in the opening scene, students milled around
at Angel Beach High, when co-ed freshman Mindy (Jill Whitlow) was
prompted by one of her girlfriends to strut over to muscle-bound
Anthony Tuperello (aka 'Meat') for a question: "Can I ask
you somethin'?...Why do they call you 'Meat'?...Why do they call
you 'Meat'? Because you're so big?"; he non-chalantly answered
'yes' and suggested he could show her to prove it
- Pee Wee was pranked by his
pals one night into stripping naked at Cherry Forever's (Susan
Clark) dilapidated shack in the swamps - purportedly to prove he
was "clean" (of
VD); Pee Wee was the first to be nude and was joyously expectant:
("I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus");
when Cherry checked him out, she asked: "What do you use for
a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band? You know we'd
better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in. Save
your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it"
The Prank with Cherry Forever
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Pee Wee Stripping Down Naked: "OK, I'm ready"
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Inspections by Cherry Forever (Susan Clark)
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Expectantly Waiting
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- it was all a set-up to make it look like Cherry's
black 'husband' (a drunken stranger who was part of the ploy) returned
and jealously chopped up and bloodied Tommy Turner (Wyatt Knight)
in the back bedroom with a machete; Pee Wee fled from the house
and became stranded outdoors naked - totally embarrassed;
he was spotted running down the road by two cops in a patrol car
Attack of Black Man with Machete
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Pee Wee Running Naked Outdoors in Middle of Night
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- the film's title was derived from a sleazy, legally
questionable, rowdy red-neck strip joint and bar in the Everglades
named Porky's where five of the teens sought action one night;
they negotiated with Porky Wallace (Chuck Mitchell), the owner
of the bar/brothel, to have three prostitutes for half an hour
for $100; they were deceived by being led into a dark room and
dumped into the swamp through a trap door in the floor; when Porky's
brother (corrupt Sheriff Wallace (Alex Karras)) arrived, the humiliated
boys were cited for broken headlights (broken by the Sheriff himself)
and told to never return; the boys soon plotted their revenge
- Pee Wee made a prank pay-phone call to Wendy
(Kaki Hunter), a waitress at Deadbeat's - a roadside diner hangout,
asking her: "Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's
s'posed to be there....His name's Michael Hunt... uh Mike, Mike.
Yes, Mike"; the clueless Wendy turned to the patrons and asked
in a loud voice: "Is Mike Hunt here? Is Mike Hunt here? Has
anybody seen Mike Hunt?"; when she turned and asked the guys
at the counter: "Do you know Mike..." - she suddenly realized
how she had been fooled:
"Pee Wee! I'm gonna get you! You little prick! And I mean that literally!"
- there was a heated, insult-ladden show-down argument
in a stairwell between gym teacher Ms. Lynn Honeywell (Kim Cattrall
in an early role) and head gym coach Ms. Balbricker (Nancy Parsons),
when she caught Honeywell flirting with Coach Brackett (Boyd Gaines);
Ms. Balbricker complained: "Ms. Honeywell. Do you mind?...The
two of you squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. You're a
disgrace," and Ms. Honeywell retorted:
"Yeah? Well I'm certainly not stompin and waddlin' around like
a frilly hippopotamus, Beulah! Beulah Ball-breaker... Well, if I heard
a herty-gerty playing, I'd think I was talkin' to the fat lady in the
circus, but as it is, I guess I'm talkin' to a ton of bad news named
Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH!"; Ms. Balbricker threatened to have Ms.
Honeywell fired for "moral turpitude" but Honeywell wasn't
intimidated: "You can take your moral turpitude and you can stick
it up the old gazoo, Beulah!"
- in the film's most infamous
equipment room scene, horny, turned-on Ms.
Honeywell (nicknamed "Lassie")
revealed the reason for her nickname (Coach Warren: "Just get
her up in the equipment room, you'll find out. But beware of King
Kong")
-- after she and randy Coach Brackett both removed each other's underwear
and her skimpy blue skirt was pulled off, she was in the midst of
orgasmic love-making when she let out a loud, shrill 'Lassie' dog-howl
("Yes,
yes, yes!"), heard echoing throughout the entire gymnasium;
to stifle her screams, Brackett stuffed socks into her mouth to gag
her; shortly later, Brackett's excuse was that he had "a case
of the runs"
- in the "Peeping Tom" scene in the girls'
shower-room, one of the teens exclaimed after viewing through
a peep-hole: (Tommy: "Jesus Christ! It's the mother lode";
Billy (Mark Herrier): "I've never seen so much wool! You could
knit a sweater";
Tommy: "This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history
of Florida"); the towel-clad girls discovered the boys ogling
them after Pee Wee (with a mostly blocked and obstructed view) yelled
out at obese Nola McNeil: ("Goddammit, will you move it, you
lard-ass!"), revealing their hidden location
- one of the guys - Tommy - announced in a deep voice: "Don't
be alarmed, girls. This is just your health department. We're here
to check out all unlicensed pussies. Please step forward and spread
your legs... Originality, neatness, and hygiene"; then, he
placed his tongue through the spyhole, and Wendy slapped soap onto
it; to play along further, he stuck his member through the hole:
("I'll give you something to play with"), and Wendy reacted
knowingly: ("Hey, wait a minute, I know that guy") just
as head gym coach Ms. Balbricker appeared; she charged forward
to make a painful two-handed grab; she cried out in glee: "I've
got you *NOW*, TOMMY TURNER! And I'm taking you to the principal!...Somebody
get me the principal! Mr. Carter! Somebody get me the principal!...You
disgusting, little, filthy, pervert!... (Tommy escaped from her
grasp) You freak! You filthy little pervert. I know you're in there.
You dirty little dickhead!"
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Ms. Balbricker Grabbing Tommy's Member
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- after the shower room incident, there was a
hilarious scene in the principal's office; Ms. Balbricker
implored the school's prudish principal Mr. Carter (Eric Christmas)
to have a penis line-up to identify the boy who displayed his member
through the peep-hole: ("Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely
unorthodox, but I think this is the only way to find that boy.
Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere.
In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter.
That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous...I've
got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers
again"); she was met with stifled laughter from the two male
coaches in the room; Carter was nervous about using the word 'penis':
("Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you
can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call
it a 'tallywhacker'? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal....Can
you imagine what the Board of Education would say if you were granted
a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private
parts for an incriminating mole?"); Coach Brackett offered
a solution: "We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send
over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give
a description. We can put up WANTED posters all over school --
'Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker.
Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous.
It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel
Beach High School'"; even Mr. Carter burst into laughter
- in the film's finale, the boys found revenge on
Porky's by dumping the owner and some of his men into the swamp;
they also pulled the entire bar apart with a tow truck, and eventually
blew it up and collapsed the building
- during the closing credits, Pee Wee finally lost his
virginity to Wendy on a school bus, and pounded his chest like Tarzan
through the window before she pulled him back in for more
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Pee Wee Measuring His Penile Length
Mindy: "Why do they call you 'Meat'?"
Porky's Bar/Brothel: "Get It at Porky's"
Porky's Strip-Joint with Dancers - and Underage Drinking
Negotiating with Porky For Girls in the Backroom
Boys Pranked at Porky's: Dumped Into Swamp Water
Run Off by Local Sheriff Wallace (Alex Karras)
Wendy: "Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?"
Ms. Honeywell (with Coach Brackett) vs. Ms. Balbricker
Ms. Honeywell's "Lassie" Howl
Lassie's Howls Heard Everywhere
Flabbergasted Principal Mr. Carter Listening to Ms. Balbricker
("I'd recognize that penis anywhere")
Destruction of Porky's
Pee Wee's Victory Over Virginity |