Comedy Films
---- FILM DIALOGUE EXCERPT ----


Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's 'Who's On First?' Routine
in The Naughty Nineties (1945)
Bud Abbott (L) as Dexter Broadhurst and Lou Costello (R) as Sebastian Dinwiddle

Play clip (excerpt): The Naughty Nineties - 1945

Costello: I love baseball.

Abbott: We all love baseball.

Costello: When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' names on the team, so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ballpark, I'll be able to know those fellas?

Abbott: Well, now, is that all right, folks? All right...as long as it's OK with the audience...Now look, then you'll go and peddle your popcorn and don't interrupt the act anymore?...But you know, strange as it may seem, they give ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: Funny names?

Abbott: Nicknames. Pet names.

Costello: Not as funny as my name, Sebastian Dinwiddle.

Abbott: Oh yes, yes, yes...Oh yes, absolutely. Yes, now, on the St. Louis team, we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellas on the St. Louis team.

Abbott: I'm telling ya. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: You don't know the fella's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well then, who's playing first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean, the fella's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The fella playing first base for St. Louis?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first base.

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: Well, what are ya asking me for?

Abbott: I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Who is on first.

Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who!

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: Have you got a first baseman on first?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Then who's playing first?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it. Why not? The man's entitled to it.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So who gets it.

Abbott: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's wife?

Abbott: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Costello: Who does?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Abbott: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: That's what I'm trying to find out.

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changin' nobody.

Abbott: Take it easy.

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: What's the guy's name on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third - we're not talkin' about him.

Costello: How did I get on third base?

Abbott: You mentioned his name!

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No - Who is playing first.

Costello: Stay off of first, will ya?

Abbott: Well, waddya want me to do?

Costello: Now, what's the guy's name on third base?

Abbott: No, What's on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third.

Costello: There I go - back on third again.

Abbott: Well, I can't change their names.

Costello: Would you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst?

Abbott: Now, what is it you want to know?

Costello: What is the fella's name on third base?

Abbott: What is the fella's name on second base.

Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello (together): Third Base!

Costello: You got a outfield?

Abbott: Oh sure!

Costello: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

Abbott: Oh, absolutely.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask ya.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who's playin' left field.

Abbott: Who is playing first!

Costello: Stay outta the infield!!

Abbott: Don't mention any names out here!

Costello: I want to know what's the fella's name in left field?

Abbott: What is on second.

Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second!

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don't know!

Abbott & Costello: Third base!

Abbott: Now take it easy, take it easy, man.

Costello: And the left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he's center field...

Costello: You got a pitcher on the team?

Abbott: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

Costello: I dunno. Tell me the pitcher's name.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

Abbott: I'm tellin' you, man.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitchin'?!

Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitchin'. Who is on ---

Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!

Abbott: Then why come up here and ask?

Costello: I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello (together): Third Base!!

Costello: You gotta catcher?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: The catcher's name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott: Now you got it.

Costello: That's all. St. Louis has got a couple of days on their team.

Abbott: Well, I can't help that. All right. What, what do you want me to do?

Costello: Gotta catcher?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I'm a good catcher too, you know.

Abbott: I know that.

Costello: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

Abbott: Well, I might arrange that.

Costello: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Now when he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!!!

Abbott: Well, that's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw it to first base?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: OK.

Abbott: Now you've got it.

Costello: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base.

Costello: Then who gets it?

Abbott: Naturally!

Costello: OK.

Abbott: All right.

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You don't! You throw it to Who!

Costello: Naturally!

Abbott: Well, that's it. Say it that way.

Costello: That's what I said!

Abbott: You did not.

Costello: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You don't. You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

Abbott: No! You throw the ball to first base.

Costello: Then who gets it?!

Abbott: Naturally!

Costello: That's what I'm saying!

Abbott: You're not saying that...

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally!

Abbott: You throw it to Who!

Costello: Naturally!

Abbott: Naturally. Well, say it that way.

Costello: That's what I'm saying!!!

Abbott: Now don't get excited. Now don't get excited.

Costello: I throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Then Who gets it!

Costello: He'd better get it!!!

Abbott: All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.

Costello: Hrmmph. Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow. A triple play!

Abbott: OK, it could be.

Costello: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care!

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said, I don't care!!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!



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