Greatest Funniest Movie

Moments and Scenes


Title Screen
Movie Title/Year and Scene Descriptions

The Man With Two Brains (1983)

  • the opening car interview of brilliant brain neurosurgeon Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr (Steve Martin), a widower and the inventor of the easy-access "Screw-Top Brain" surgery technique explaining his choice of science for his career: ("I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. And when I saw how slimy the human brain was, I-I knew that's what I wanted to do with the rest of my life")
  • the accident that claimed the life of gold-digger Dolores Benedict (Kathleen Turner), and then Dr. Hfuhruhurr's series of long, complicated instructions to a little-girl bystander to call paramedics to an accident scene, who repeated or recited back his detailed directions perfectly, and then added her own medical diagnosis and criticism: ("ER, North Bank General Hospital, 932-1000. Set up O.R. 6, contact anesthesiologist Isadore Tourick, 472-2112, beep 12. Ambulance with paramedics and light IV, D-5, and W, KVO...Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me"); incensed, Hfuhruhurr barked back: "Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's epidural. Ha!"
  • the pubic-hair shaving scene in the hospitl operating room , when Dr. Hfuhruhurr questioned his assistant orderly, who was shaving or grooming the genital area of his patient Dolores before brain surgery, in honor of Valentine's Day: ("- What is that? - It's a vagina. - I know what it is. I mean, what are you doing? - Shaving her. - This is a brain operation. - I know. - What's that supposed to be - a heart? - Yes, sir. Clive and I thought that since it's Valentine's Day, that... - You don't have to shave her anywhere. We'll be using my Cranial Screwtop method of entry into the brain. - Fine. Yes, sir. - I never wanna see that again. I suppose if it were Christmas, you'd hang ornaments on it.")
  • Hfuhruhrr's gift of a book of poems written by John Lilyson to his hospitalized wife Dolores Benedict, including "Pointy Birds": ("Oh pointy birds, oh pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy...") - Lilyson "died in 1894. He was the first person ever to be hit by a car"; as she activated the mechanical bed's lower portion to rise - to bring him closer for their lips to kiss, he lovingly spoke: ("Poor little bird. So fragile. So naive. So childlike. So shy. So chaste. So innocent") - and they were soon married, bedside
  • the scene of seductive, gold-digging, teasing femme fatale Dolores in a skimpy nightgown with Dr. Hfuhruhrr's before their first anticipated night of sex together: ("Does this do anything for you?...Good. I want our first night together to be exciting....I hope the waiting hasn't been too hard on you. There's something I have to tell you. This fits very snug. And you may have some trouble getting it off me. You may have to tear it off my body") - he was cooperatively ready: "I can tear. I like tearing"; however, Dr. Hfuhruhurr had frustrated reactions to her feigned illness (of debilitating headaches) to delay the consummation of her marriage to him (causing him to erotically tongue an X-ray of her skull, run up walls and break doorknobs off from pent-up tension)
  • the "citizen's divorce" scene during a European business trip, when Dr. Hfuhruhurr caught his wife propositioning a client in their Viennese hotel bedroom for $15,000 to just touch her rear-end; after throwing the man out, he claimed that she was ruining their marriage, and she retorted: ("Why? Because you don't want me to work? You don't want me to earn my own money? Have my own career?"); he asserted: ("You call this a career!...Dolores, I'm making a citizen's divorce...By the powers vested in me, I hereby declare our marriage null and void. E pluribus unum")
  • the classic scene of widowed Dr. Hfuhruhurr driving with his dead ("dead drunk") wife Dolores Benedict in the seat next to him, when he was stopped by a Viennese Austrian policeman (Warwick Sims) for speeding; he was required to pass an impossible drunk-driving test with these instructions: ("Get out of the car. Stretch out your arms and touch your nose with your finger. Now walk this white line. Come back. On your hands. One hand. Now, roll over, turn over and flip-flop. All right. Now juggle these, do a tap dance and sing the 'Catalina Magdalena Hoopensteiner Wallendiner' song"); Dr. Hfuhruhurr passed and was not suspected of being drunk, but complained: "God damn, your drug tests are hard!"
  • Hfuhruhurr's love affair after he realized he could communicate telepathically with pickled disembodied brain # 21 (inside a jar in a Vienna doctor's laboratory), named Anne Uumellmahaye (voice of Sissy Spacek), who at first introduced herself: ("Anne. Anne Uumellmahaye"); he spelled it out for confirmation: ("U-U-M-E-L-L-M-A-H-A-Y-E") - and soon, he placed a pair of wax rubber lips on her to kiss
  • also the funny encounter, in his search for a body for his 'brain' soulmate, with a dumb, big-breasted, aggravatingly-voiced American hooker named Fran (Randi Brooks) and her reaction to being injected with window cleaner in her behind so that he could insert Anne's brain into her body: "I don't mind!"
  • the revelation of the identity of the serial Elevator Killer who killed Dolores: Merv Griffin (Himself) in a cameo role, who explained: ("I've always just loved to kill. I've really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, everybody recognized me. I couldn't even work anymore. I'd hear: 'Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?'")
  • and the funny ending in which Anne's compulsive overeating (Anne's brain had been transplanted into Dolores' body) caused Dolores' body to inflate - Hfuhruhurr sweetly overlooked her weight problem (although he struggled to carry her over the threshold after their wedding -- with his knees buckling) during the end credits, with the statement: ("Merv Griffin did not turn himself in and is at large. If you have any information as to his whereabouts, call your local theatre manager")

Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

  • the middle-aged couple of Larry (Woody Allen) and Carol Lipton (Diane Keaton) - a married New York couple, whose lives were energized by the 'mystery' death of their neighbor Lillian House (Lynn Cohen), the wife of Mr. Paul House (Jerry Adler); Carol had been stalking Paul in a movie theater and claimed to have discovered a motive - that he might be running off with a young pretty actress named Helen Moss (Melanie Norris): ("He was with this young model type, and they were talking about money....So, that's the motive")
  • in a late-night scene at 1 am, Larry commanded his hyperactive wife, who wanted to investigate and enter their neighbor's apartment by using a key, to go back to bed: ("I'm telling you, I'm your husband. I command you to sleep!. Sleep! I command it!...I command it! Sleep!"); she counter-argued, with obsessive, 'Nancy Drew'-like suspicions that the non-mourning, cheerful husband had murdered his wife: ("Larry, all I can tell you is, if this had been a few years ago, you would have been doing the same thing. 'Cause if you recall, we solved a mystery. Yep, we solved a mystery once. Remember? It was the - it was the noises in the attic mystery")
  • the scene of their sneaky visit into Paul's apartment, where Larry was frantic with worry, while Carol looked for clues and said: ("I think something's very strange, here.... I think the whole thing is really sinister")
  • the many funny, acerbic one-liners by Larry: ("I've reevaluated our lives! I got a 10, you got a 6!", "There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure!", and "Jesus, save a little craziness for menopause!")
  • the funny moments when a hotel elevator stalled and Larry suddenly became very panicked: ("I'm-I'm-I'm a-a world-renowned claustrophobic...I don't like this, I don't, I don't...It's easy for you to say, but I can't breath, I'm phobic...I'm not panicking, I'm not panicking, I'm...I'm just gonna say the rosary, now...Oh, I don't know, I don't like this...I'm running over a field, I see open meadows. I see a stallion. I'm a stallion...There's a cool breeze passing over me. I see grass. I see dirt...Let's go, my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is, I'm driving a used car"); and then, their shocking discovery of a corpse - Lillian's body - inside an emergency exit panel above them, with her arm dangling down: ("Oh, my God. It's her....Oh, Jesus! Claustrophobia AND a dead body - this is a neurotic's jackpot!")
  • the character of sultry writer Marcia Fox (Anjelica Huston) who helped Larry, Carol and single playwright friend Ted (Alan Alda) devise a trap to ensnare Mr. House
  • the clever recreation of the climax of The Lady From Shanghai (1948) in the back of an old revival theatre (the characters reenacted the mirror scene - life imitating art - as it played behind them on the screen); when House's spiteful paramour-accomplice Mrs. Gladys Dalton (Marge Redmond) appeared, confronted him with a gun, and shot him: ("Hello Paul. Didn't you expect me?...You made a lot of promises to me, over the years. And then, you decided to dump me for that young model...It's late for excuses...I'm aiming at you, lover. Of course, killing you is killing myself...But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us")
  • the concluding scene of Marcia's recap of the entire mystery to Ted as they left police headquarters: ("Oh, listen. I'll give it to you one more time. Mrs. House had a sister who moved to England many years ago. She changed her name when she married. Her husband died. She moved back to New York recently, a very, very rich widow, but a recluse. Mr. and Mrs. House knew they weren't in her will. They have her over to dinner, she accidentally keels over. I guessed right there. She has a reasonable resemblance to her sister, so they fake it. Pretend Lillian House died. They cremate the sister. Lillian checks into a fleabag joint and for several weeks she pretends to be her sister, closing her accounts, liquidating her assets, accumulating big money. What she didn't realize was that her husband was two-timing her with Helen Moss, this pretty model. So, he decides not to cut her in and go off to, I don't know --- with his mistress and, uh, keep all the dough. So, he kills Lillian. He cremates her, or pours molten steel all over her or something, and, uh, that's when we came along and tripped him up...Mrs. Dalton? She covered for him. She loved him. Not that she dreamed he was a murderer")
  • the final exchange after the mystery was solved, when Larry and Carol were walking down a NY street discussing where they would go for dinner and talking about some of their mutual jealousies, when Carol happened to mention their friend Ted: (Larry: "You've got to be kiddin'. Take away his-his-his elevator shoes, and his fake sun tan and his capped teeth and what do you have?" Carol: "You!" Larry: "Right! I like that..." )

M*A*S*H (1970)

  • "Suicide is Painless" - the anti-war film's theme song playing on the soundtrack during the opening credits sequence, about the dark humor of bloody wartime surgeries and other pranks and shenanigans in the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH) during the Korean War, including scenes of blood-spurting surgery with casual dialogue carried on by the iconoclastic doctors (Captain Hawkeye Pierce (Donald Sutherland) and Captain "Trapper" John McIntyre (Elliott Gould)), and their golf-playing on the helicopter landing pad
  • the scene of Hawkeye and Trapper saving the life of a Korean infant in Tokyo
  • the celebrated scenes of the pranks played by the members of a free-wheeling camp, including listening in to uptight chief nurse Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan's (Sally Kellerman) love-making tryst with hypocritical tee-totaler Maj. Frank Burns (Robert Duvall), while a microphone was hidden under their cot picking up their voices: (Frank asserted: "God meant us to find each other," she enthusiastically opened her blouse: "His will be done," and then invited him: "Oh, Frank, my lips are hot. Kiss my hot lips"), and wisecracking surgeon Trapper John McIntyre's decision to broadcast everything on loudspeakers over the camp's PA system: ("We have got to share this with the rest of the camp")
  • the practical joke of pulling up pulling away the front tent wall flaps of her shower stall and exposing her to an audience of jeering spectators while 'Hot Lips' was taking a shower with everyone lined up as spectators - to determine if she was a natural blonde or not (a $20 bet), and her hysterical complaint to commanding officer Lt. Col. Henry Blake (Roger Bowen) (who was in bed with one of the nurses), including 'Hot Lips' threat to resign: ("This isn't a hospital! lt's an insane asylum! And it's your fault because you don't do anything to discourage them!...Put them under arrest! See what a court-martial thinks of their drunken hooliganism! First, they called me Hot Lips, and you let them get away with it! And then you let them get away with everything! And if you don't turn them over to the MP this minute, l-l'm gonna resign my commission!")
  • the scene of surgeon Hawkeye asking questions of Major Burns ("Does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank, or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?...Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank?...Seriously, Frank. I mean, does she go ooohhh or does she just sort of lie there quiet and not do anything at all?...- causing him to go "nuts", be placed in a strait-jacket, and forcibly removed from the unit by a military police Jeep -- (a recording of a Japanese lady singing a 'Sayonara' song was broadcast throughout the camp: "The time has come for us to say Sayonara, My heart will always be yours for eternity l knew sometime we'd have to say Sayonara...l'll remember our romance until the day that l die, l'll see your face ln the moon and stars in the sky")
  • the company dentist Walter "Painless Pole" Waldowski's (John Schuck) mock 'Last Supper' scene and phony funeral during his assisted suicide (with a full guitar-accompanied rendition of the film's theme song: "Through early morning fog l see visions of the things to be, the pains that are withheld for me, l realize and l can see. That suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and l can take or leave it if l please. The game of life is hard to play, l'm going to lose it anyway. The losing card l'll someday lay, so this is all l have to say, that suicide is painless..."), as a cure for his temporary erectile dysfunction, by taking a black "suicide" capsule for "certain death": ("Now then, you've all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here... Dear ol' Walt. You know, l got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. l think maybe ol' Walt's goin' on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all. Huh?")
  • the climactic slapstick inter-M*A*S*H football game against a rival unit, in which "Hot Lips" cheered with pom-poms and gasped: "Oh my God, they've shot him" when the end-of-quarter gun went off, and the unique closing credits of the cast, read by the loudspeaker announcer - and ending with "Goddamn army" - and "That is all"

The Mask (1994)

  • Jim Carrey's tour-de-force of animated zany-ness, in a dual role as the mild-mannered and nerdy bank teller Stanley Ipkiss, and - after donning a magical mask - his metamorphosis into a zoot-suited (in bright yellow), green-faced, flamboyant and manic super-hero tornado and lady-killer, with the style of Tex Avery cartoons of the 40s
  • the scene of Stanley's first jaw-dropping sighting of bank customer Tina Carlyle (Cameron Diaz in her screen debut) after entering the lobby from a rainstorm
  • and then Tina's second entrance as a sexy blonde night-club singer at the Coco Bongo Club that caused Stanley to drool over her (with his eyes popping, mouth/jaw dropping and tongue hanging out), and motivated him to engage in a frenzied, drum-accented dance ("Let's rock this joint") with her - to the sounds of Cab Calloway's "Hi De Ho"
  • during the physically-impossible dance sequence in the Coco Bongo nightclub, Stanely's smooch, when he leaned her down, gave her a toothy and lascivious grin, and descended for the kiss, shot in close-up
  • Stanley's scene-stealing dog Milo (Max, a Jack Russell terrier)
  • with lots of quotable lines and familiar one-liners, such as: "OOO, somebody stop me" and "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS-MOKIN!", or sight-gags ("Sorry, wrong pocket" when he pulled out a condom)
  • the image of Stanley with gigantic guns pulled out - a la Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry with referential humor: "You gotta ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel lucky?' Well do ya? Punks!"

Mighty Aphrodite (1995)

  • the clever but overused Greek Chorus (led by F. Murray Abraham) that observed and made comments on the plot
  • the Oscar-winning performance of Mira Sorvino as dumb, high-pitched-voiced, crude, horny, classless and blonde long-legged prostitute/porn actress Linda Ash/Judy Cum
  • neurotic sportswriter and adoptive father Lenny Weinrib's (Woody Allen) first encounter with Linda at her apartment door ("Hi, are you my 3 o'clock?"), with her thinking that he was a "high-strung" male "john" - a married client who was overdue for fellatio
  • her gleeful observation about her erotic antique watch, a gift that she recently received: ("As the main spring goes back and forth, the bishop keeps f--king her in the ass. It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time")
  • her incredulous reaction that he didn't want to sleep with her, after making numerous comments or attempts about reforming, saving, or changing Linda from her hooker sex-trade to something more domestic
  • in their third meeting together, the revelation that she was the mother of his adopted son Max (due to a broken condom), and the bittersweet twist ending (with the Chorus urging: "When You're Smiling (The Whole World Smiles with You)") when they both met about a year later in a toy store - Linda was now married, with a regular job as a hairdresser, and she was pushing a baby in a stroller (fathered by Lenny, although she hadn't told him!) - each ended up with the other's child, without each other's knowledge

The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)

  • in Preston Sturges' fast-moving, farcical and subversive screwball comedy regarding motherhood, the military, and family values, the introduction of the main character in an early scene in Rafferty's Music Store -- pretty clerk Trudy Kockenlocker (Betty Hutton), the daughter of Morgan Creek's Chief of Police, who was first seen mouthing the words to a phonograph record of a deep-voiced singer crooning "The Bell in the Bay"; when the song ended, she told a group of soldiers in the store: ("Come on now, you got to beat it or buy something before Mr. Rafferty gets after me"); after an invitation by the male group, she promised to attend their going-away military dance that night
  • the scene of Trudy's explanation to her skeptical, overprotective, "old-fashioned" father Constable Edmund Kockenlocker (William Demarest) that she was attending the dance, when he expressly forbid her to attend: ("Just a moment. What is this military kiss-the-boys-goodbye business, and where is it to be transacted?...Just a minute! What happens after the country club?...So, as your father and mother combined, I'm here to tell you that you ain't going on no more military parties")
  • Trudy's friendship with 4-F rated bumbling local bank-clerk Norval Jones (Eddie Bracken) as a substitute - he explained how his nervousness caused his rejection by the Army: ("I'm perfectly calm. I'm as cool as ice. I start to figure maybe they won't take me and some cold sweat runs down the middle of my back, and my head begins to buzz and everything in the middle of the room begins to swim, and I get black spots in front of my eyes and they say I've got high blood pressure again. And all the time I'm as cool as ice!")
  • Trudy's secret attendance at the wild, drunken farewell military dance party with lots of spiked Victory Lemonade (while her movie date Norval served as a "decoy" and attended three feature movies until one in the morning); and after lots of dancing, hitting her head on a rotating glitter ball and suffering subsequent memory problems; the next morning at 8 o'clock, she met up with Norval on Main Street, who was blamed by her exasperated father for returning her late
  • Trudy's shocking realization that she might have married one of the unidentified departing soldiers; she described the previous night to her pragmatic younger sister Emmy Kockenlocker (Diana Lynn), and had great difficulty recalling anything: ("Can you imagine gettin' hitched up in the middle of the night with a curtain ring to somebody that's goin' away that you might never ever see again, Emmy?"); when Emmy noticed the ring on Trudy's finger, she tried to remember what had happened: ("I remember I danced with a tall, dark boy with curly hair, and a little short one with freckles, and a big fat blond one who sang in my ear. But if I married any of those, it would have been the tall, dark one with the curly hair, don't you think?"), and then she claimed that she couldn't remember his name: ("It had a 'Z' in it....Like Ratzkiwatzki, Pvt. Ratzkiwatzki, or was it Zitzkiwitzki?") - but in any event, they had both given false names at the wedding that she couldn't remember; and she also discovered soon after, to complicate matters even further, that she was pregnant
  • the comedy of errors when Norval became involved in Trudy's problems by stepping in to be the soldier-father of the unborn child, to make things more acceptable
  • the funny marriage proposal scene on the front porch, in which the overly-nervous Norval attempted to discuss tying the knot with Trudy to her father who was cleaning his hand-gun: ("Sit down! What are you so nervous about?...There's getting to be quite a little talk in the town....Where I come from, we don't skulk around in the bushes, you get me?...When we gotta cross the street, we don't crawl through the sewer to get there.... When we've got something to say, we say it!...When is the happy event?...When are you and Trudy getting hitched?... What are you laughing about?... You haven't answered my question...There isn't any idiocy in your family, is there?...Oh, she won't?...You didn't ask her right. You gotta be more forceful in these matters. Dames like to be bossed. Now, you take me...You can do better. You better do better....We accept. You're in....You can settle the details up between youse. All I'm interested in is results. I'm a man who looks at things broadly, see? (the gun accidentally discharged)...I almost forgot, congratulations!")
  • the last scene of Norval and Trudy after she had given birth, when she asked him: "Was it a boy or a girl?"; when he asked the same question of Emmy, she led him to an adjoining room where they looked through a glass partition at six cribs; he went hysterical when he realized the sextuplets were his, and he raced back to Trudy and collapsed on her bed
  • the film's ending title card: "But Norval recovered and became increasingly happy for, as Shakespeare said: 'Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.'" THE END

Modern Times (1936)

  • the opening metaphoric image of sheep (workers) entering a factory
  • the scene of the 'Big Brother' factory owner spying on workers including the Tramp (Charlie Chaplin)
  • the opening factory assembly-line scene with the Tramp armed with nut-tightening wrenches in both hands and unable to keep up with the fast-moving, ever-increasingly sped-up assembly line and his later inability to stop making tightening motions
  • the additional scene of the disastrous experiment in which the Tramp became a guinea pig for an out-of-control automated feeding machine that would force-feed lunches to workers on the job, promoted by a recorded voice; it was a masterful sequence of visual comedy involving a corn-cob feeder and a gentle face-wiper mechanism, and the engineer's final words: ("We'll start with the soup again")
  • the Tramp's consumption by the big wheels of machinery
  • his unwitting leading of a protest march
  • his singing of a gibberish/nonsense song in a restaurant/nightclub as a singing waiter
  • his dive into an empty lake
  • his rollerskating scene in a department store
  • the final unforgettable image of the Tramp arm in arm with the homeless Gamin (Paulette Goddard) silhouetted together and walking into the sunrise (not the sunset!)

Mommie Dearest (1981)

  • all of the unintentionally funny scenes in this camp classic biopic of parental abuse
  • the long title sequence with the final revelation of a full-closeup view of the face of movie-star Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) after her early morning, body-scrubbing, facial-cleansing ritual of plunging her face into ice-cubes (that were doused with rubbing alcohol), dressing, being chauffeured to MGM studios, and having her make-up applied (in extreme close-up), before a knock on her door: (Joan: "Yes?" Stage-hand: "We're ready for you, Miss Crawford")
  • the over-meticulous, critical and obsessively-clean Crawford's angry scene with her new housemaid Helga (Alice Nunn) and Carol Ann (Rutanya Alda) for not moving a large tree plant vase when polishing the tile floor of her home: ("If you can't do something right, don't do it at all...Give me the soap. You see, Carol Ann, you have to stay on top of things every single minute") - and then her statement to Helga: ("Helga, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt!")
  • her over-the-top performances in various scenes in which she attacked her adopted daughter Christina (Mara Hobel as child); i.e., slapping her daughter for allegedly lying, and then saying: ("You love it, don't you? You love to make me hit you!"); or the scene of Joan's response when Christina repeatedly demanded to know why she was adopted: ("Because I wanted a child. Because I wanted someone to love...Maybe I did it for a little extra publicity")
  • the pool scene when Joan raced her young daughter Christina (with a headstart), won the contest, and then gloated: ("You lost again!"), and when Christina complained: ("It's not fair! You're bigger than I am. It's not fair to win twice!"), Joan retorted: ("Ah, but nobody ever said life was fair, Tina. I'm bigger and I'm faster. I will always beat you"); and then after a resistant Christina was ordered to her room when she vowed never to play with her enraged mother again, she was locked up in the pool house
  • the scene of Joan's over-reaction to young Christina, after seeing her play-acting by imitating her in a multi-part mirror in her bedroom - and hysterically chopping off Christina's blonde hair with scissors to humiliate her: ("What do you mean, playing? Going through my things? Making fun of me?...Look at yourself! Gimme that!...What have you done? What have you put on your hair? What have you done to this damn hair?...I know you look awful. You be quiet! You're always rummaging through my drawers, trying to find a way to make people look at you. Why are you always looking at yourself in the mirror? Why are you doing that? Tell me! You sit still now! This ought to teach you!...You're vain, spoiled...I'd rather you go bald to school than looking like a tramp!...You spoiled it just like I spoiled you")
  • the crazed rose-pruning scene when Joan - after being fired from MGM by Louis Mayer - demanded that her children join her to trim the roses in the garden - and her axe-wielding/evening-gowned hacking rampage in her prized rose garden: ("Eighteen years in the business! And we parted friends! Creative differences! Good, I want some help here. I want all of these branches cleared out of here now. Carol Ann and Christopher, start clearing away all these branches. Start gathering them up. Go and get the wheelbarrow and the rake. Tina! Bring me the axe!")
  • the celebrated, late-night scene of Joan (with her face smeared in cold cream) entering her daughter's closet and abusively screaming - a violent rant - when she saw a dress hanging there on a cheap wire hanger, and began clearing out the closet by tossing everything onto the floor: ("No - wire - hangers. What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you - NO WIRE HANGERS EVER! I work and work 'til I'm half-dead, and I hear people saying 'She's getting old.' And what do I get? A daughter who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her as she cares about me. What's wire hangers doing in this closet? ANSWER ME! I buy you beautiful dresses, and you treat them like they were some dish-rag. You do! $300 dollar dress on a wire hanger! We'll see how many you've got hidden in here. We'll see. Get out of that bed. All of this is coming out. Out! Out! Out. Out. Out. You've got any more? We're gonna see how many wire hangers you've got in your closet. Wire hangers! Why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed. Get out of that bed. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood (She picked up a hanger and began to beat Christina) and you don't care if your clothes are stretched back from wire hangers. And your room looks like a two-dollar-a-week priced room in some two-bit backstreet town in Oklahoma. Get up. Get up. Clean up this mess")
  • the bathroom cleaning scene, when Joan threw a can of powdered cleanser at Christina while they were both on their knees scrubbing the already-clean bathroom tile floor
  • the confrontational scene that led to Joan violently choking her daughter Christina who claimed she wasn't another one of her mother's fans: (Joan: "I don't ask much from you, girl. Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to? Why can't you treat me in the way I would be treated by any stranger on the street?" Christina: "Because I am not one of your fans! Mommie! You never loved me! Mommie! Mommie!" Joan: "You've hated me! You never loved me! Never! You've always taken and taken. You never wanted to be my child! You've always hated everything! Everything! Everything! Get out!")
  • the scene of Joan's notorious face-down with the all-male Pepsi-Cola board in the boardroom, after her husband Alfred Steele (Harry Goz), Pepsi's CEO, died when she was "retired" from the Pepsi board of directors, and threatened to hurt the company's sales if they didn't retain her: ("You think you're very clever, don't you? Trying to sweep the poor little widow under the carpet. Well, think again. I'm on the board of directors of this lousy company...Al and I helped build Pepsi to what it is today. I intend to stay with it....You drove Al to his grave, and now you're trying to stab me in the back. Forget it! I fought worse monsters than you for years in Hollywood. I know how to win the hard way!...You don't know what hard feelings are until I come out publicly against your product. You'll see how much you sell.... Don't f--k with me, fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo. You forget the press I delivered to Pepsi was my power. I can use it any way I want. It's a sword, cuts both ways"); abruptly, the members of the board acquiesed: ("The board has failed to realize the extent of your interest in the company. We misjudged. We shall be pleased to have you stay on")
  • the scene of Joan Crawford dazedly and drunkenly replacing her ailing daughter (hospitalized for an ovarian tumor) in the cast of an NYC daytime TV soap opera
  • the final scene in which adult-aged Christina (Diana Scarwid as adult) listened as a lawyer read that she and her brother were deliberately disinherited - left out of her mother's will after her death in 1977: ("It is my intention to make no provision herein for my son, Christopher and my daughter Christina, for reasons which are well known to them"); when Christopher (Xander Berkeley as adult) commented: ("What reasons?...As usual, she has the last word"), Christina (with a tear on her left cheek) vengefully implied that she would have the "last word" by writing a tell-all memoir-expose: ("Does she?")

Monkey Business (1931)

  • the classic opening scene of the four stowaway brothers (as Themselves) singing "Sweet Adeline" in barrels located in the forward hatch of an Atlantic-crossing ocean liner - and labeled Kippered Herring ("This is the only way to travel, boys. The only way"), but a crew member had earlier reported: ("Sorry to have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch....They were singing Sweet Adeline")
  • the scene of Groucho's impersonation of the ship's Captain Corcoran (Ben Taggart), and phoning for lunch (and dinner): ("Hello. Send up the captain's lunch... Send up his dinner, too. Who am I? I'm the captain. You want to choose up sides? Oh, engineer, will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking? I'm gonna have lunch") because he hadn't eaten in three days (although they had only been on the boat for two days): ("I didn't eat yesterday. I didn't eat today, and I won't eat tomorrow. That makes three days")
  • Harpo's pretense of being a puppet and delighting an audience of children during a Punch and Judy show
  • the very funny barbershop scene when Chico and Harpo impersonated the barber and shaved off ('snoop off') the entire long handlebar mustache of one of the ocean liner's crew members, who requested: "Give me a once-over": (Chico: "We take care of you, all right. We take the tonsils last. I think we work on the mustache first. Give him a little snoop. This side's too long. Give him a little snoop this side. Now this side is too short. It's too short. The other side is too long. Snoop him up. That's better, but the side that was too short now is too long and the side that was too long is too short. I think you got to give him one more snoop. I think we better measure. It's about a foot too much. No, the measure's a foot too much. Now it looks much better. It can stand one more snoop in the middle, I think. In the middle, one snoop. That's fine. That's very good. I think it's a little bit rough right here. I fix that....One more snoop. That's beautiful, eh? That's what you call a work of art. Hey, you know, I think you give him one snoop too much")
  • the most famous scene after the ocean liner docked in New York City - of all the Marx Brothers unconvincingly impersonating (dressing with a straw-hat) and using the stolen passport (by Zeppo) of well-known French actor/singer Maurice Chevalier when leaving the luxury ship and trying to evade customs, while a Victrola played Chevalier's hit You Brought a New Kind of Love to Me
  • Groucho's tango with bootlegging gangster Alky Briggs' (Harry Woods) wife Lucille Briggs (Thelma Todd) (on board the ship in her stateroom) when he offered to polish her frame and oil her joints: ("Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, polish your frame and oil your joints, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night") - and later, his attempted flirtatious romancing of her: ("Oh, I've dreamed of a night like this, I tell you. Now, you tell me about some of your dreams....Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills"); when she replied: "Oh, no, I couldn't think of it," he tried to persuade her further: ("Don't be afraid. You can join this lodge for a few pennies. And you won't even have to take a physical examination - unless you insist on one"); he was encouraged when she told him that she didn't trust her husband: ("What a swell home life I've got. Why, I think I'd almost marry you to spite that double-crossing crook"); the scene was topped by Groucho's offer: ("Mrs. Briggs. I've known and respected your husband Alky for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me")

The Money Pit (1986)

  • the scenes in which lawyer and new homeowner Walter Fielding (Tom Hanks) and his concert violinist wife Anna (Shelley Long) decided to go in 50/50 and buy a disintegrating, dilapidated suburban NY home in a distress sale - and a train roared by: ("Did you hear that? The train is coming right when we decided to buy the house! This has got to be an omen. I can feel it! This is it! Everything's breaking for us!")
  • the scene of Walter's acquisition of his half of the home's funding - $200,000 from resistant Billboard Artist of the Year Benny (Billy Lombardo), a spoiled child star and one of his wealthy clients: ("There is a house I want to buy... I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash...Benny!... I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me....Yes, you will!...Yes, you will! I saved you ten times that in taxes last year....Benny, if you don't loan me that money. I'll...I'll not like you any more!")
  • the many defective items, plagues and accidents in their new 'money pit' house - the faucet loudly clanked and spewed out "revolting" brown gunk-liquid when Anna filled their bathtub with lukewarm water for a long-deserved bath ("All I did was turn on the water"); Walter reassured her and urged more positive thinking: ("So the plumbing's not perfect. We'll get it fixed. It's not the end of the worid...Look, this is an old house. It's gonna need some work. You've gotta expect that...A little work, a little care, a little imagination, and it's gonna be great! It's gonna be fun fixing it up. You'll see"); in the next scene, the bedroom closet railing fell apart, the front door frame collapsed down the front steps, and a raccoon emerged from the dumb-waiter and attacked Anna
  • in the next scene, the entire staircase collapsed with Walter hanging momentarily onto it, as he attempted to come to the rescue of a screaming Anna upstairs; he jumped up to the second floor landing and held on as structure crashed and plummeted into the downstairs (Walter yelled to Anna: "The stairs are out!"), but then when she accidentally stepped on his fingers ("Honey, you're on my fingers"), he fell backwards onto the pile of debris on the first floor
  • the character of sleazy carpenter Art Shirk (Joe Montegna) arriving at the house ("Somebody here call a carpenter?") who began flirting with Anna who resisted his moves: "Don't touch me, pig!...I'm serious. Get away from me", but then apologized but stated his intentions: "I just thought she was good-lookin' wool...You know, usually a woman calls a carpenter, she's lookin' for the old 'hammer and nail'"
  • the destructive kitchen scene, when Walter flipped a light switch and initiated a series of electrical fires and short-circuits along the power line; the blender was fried, the electrical pop-corn popper burst into flames, and the TV screen (broadcasting a Julia Childs' cooking show, who was instructing: "I like to use a no-stick pan and heat until water...and on goes some nice brandy. Let it bubble up well, and then dip it into your flames and...") was the next casualty; an explosion launched their roasting turkey from the cannon-like oven through the front window and into the second floor bedroom window (that nearly hit Anna); Walter warned her without a lot of details: "Little problem in the kitchen. Nothing trivial" and then when the indicator on the turkey popped up: (Anna: "Well, the turkey's done." Walter: "So is the kitchen. Actually, it's a little overdone for my taste. Let's not go there again"); and to top things off, when the two poured water into the bathtub, it broke through the floor and crashed into hundreds of pieces onto the first floor, as Walter looked down and delivered a maniacal series of guffaws and laughs (sounding like a seal)
  • the sequence of further misadventures, when Walter sunk up to his neck into his dining room floor and became stuck in the hole: ("I'm here. My chest is constricted. I can't shout"), and when inspector Mr. Montgomery Shrapp (Joe Ponazecki) arrived, he thought Fielding was laughing at him and stormed away ("Okay, Fielding, I can hear you in there laughing at me. This is it, you duck fart! I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back! Ya hear me, Fielding?... I'm tearing up your permit! There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!")
  • and then the sequence, during remodeling by contractors, when Walter was distracted while fetching a pail of water, fell down a hole, catapulted a power-saw up to a beam that led to a chain-reaction - a Rube Goldberg series of disasters, including propelling Walter through a window and into a tray of paint on an elevated scaffolding that he inadvertently dismantled

Monsters, Inc. (2001)

  • the intriguing plot premise for the film - the city of Monstropolis (powered by Scream Heat fueled by the collective screams of human children), where monster "scarer" employees were hired to emerge from closet doors at night and scare children - but they were themselves scared of children, thinking they were toxic
  • the delightful characters of giant, furry blue monster James P. "Sulley" Sullivan (voice of John Goodman) and his assistant, one-eyed Mike Wazowski (voice of Billy Crystal) - both employed by Monsters, Inc. - a major scream refinery in the monster world
  • the restaurant named Harryhausen's (in tribute to the famed stop-motion animator of monsters)
  • the two evil characters: the company's chairman, Henry J. Waternoose (voice of James Coburn) - an arthropodic monster with a crab-like lower body, and his ally Randall Boggs, a purple chameleon-like lizard monster with eight-legs, and their plot to eliminate "scarers" by using a Scream-Extractor Machine (to suck up oxygen from children) - and the scene of Randall strapping captured 3 year-old human toddler Mary (Mary Gibbs), nicknamed "Boo" to the mechanism, although she was saved by "Sulley"
  • the amazing sequence of the wild roller-coaster chase involving hundreds of closet doors on an endless conveyor line, when Randall pursued both Mike and "Sulley" after "Boo's" rescue
  • the sad goodbye scene when Mike and Sulley had to say goodbye to Mary/"Boo when she was to be returned to the human world through her bedroom
  • after Mike's rebuilding of the door to Mary's bedroom by assembling all the pieces, the final poignant shot in which "Sulley" entered and reacted joyfully to seeing Mary again

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975, UK)

  • the opening view of King Arthur (Graham Chapman), his first appearance in the comedy film, galloping over a hill without his horse - but with an imaginary stallion (announced by the clopping sound of approaching hooves) - next to the King was his hunchbacked servant-lackey Patsy (Terry Gilliam) banging two coconut shells together to simulate the horses' hooves
  • the ridiculous argument with castle gatekeepers and guards about whether African or European swallows may have carried the coconuts to the more temperate Northern zone: ("It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut...In order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second...It could be carried by an African swallow. An African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow...But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory. So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. Wait a minute. Supposing two swallows carried it together!")
  • the outrageous scene of the collection of corpses (for ninepence apiece) by the Dead Collector (Eric Idle) on his rounds through a muddy medieval village as he cried out: "Bring Out Your Dead!" and the argument with a Large Man (John Cleese) over a half-dead candidate: ("I'm not dead!...I don't want to go on the cart")
  • also King Arthur's encounter with the Black Knight (John Cleese) who persistently insisted on combat even after all of his limbs had been hacked off and he had been reduced to a head and torso: ("Tis but a scratch!" "Just a flesh wound" "The Black Knight always triumphs...I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" and "All right, we'll call it a draw")
  • the witch-burning scene of the prosecution of a suspected witch: (Question: "What makes you think she's a witch?" Answer: "She turned me into a newt!...I got better!"), who was weighed by Sir Bedevere the Wise (Terry Jones), and found to be guilty because she weighed the same as a duck: ("So logically, if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. And therefore? A witch!")
  • the sentry's taunting and insulting words to King Arthur at a French-controlled castle: ("I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries")
  • the surprising scene of a modern-day documentarian/historian named Frank (John Young), commenting on the Arthurian legend, suddenly slashed to death across the neck by a horseback-riding knight
  • the dreaded tree-shaped Knights Who Say 'Ni' in the forest, led by a helmeted towering knight (Michael Palin) with deer antlers sticking up from his head - who made strong demands of Arthur to appease them by giving them shrubbery before being allowed passage: ("One that looks nice... and not too expensive")
  • the scenes about the Fierce Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (a guardian beast living in a cave that looked like a harmless white rabbit, but viciously attacked) and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch (a sacred relic) that defeated the Killer Rabbit
  • the guarded Bridge of Death crossing scene where a trollish, creepy soothsayer / bridgekeeper (Terry Gilliam) asked travelers five (or three) questions before they were allowed to pass over the Gorge of Eternal Peril
  • the plot-twisting conclusion, when a police car, a paddy wagon, and officers of the law pulled into the scene in front of King Arthur's large battle army, and Frank's wife (Rita Davies) exited the car and shouted out: "Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure" - the group of insane knights were arrested by the authorities for the murder of Frank; one of the police officers threatened the cameraman, and put his hand over the camera lens: ("All right, sonny, that's enough, just pack that in") - but after the cameraman swore: "Christ!", the film reel broke in the projector and derailed from the gate and the film abruptly ended

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979, UK)

  • the opening animated title sequence featuring a James Bond-like musical number and the "I love sheep!" scene with three Shepherds
  • the scene in which Three unwise Kings, astrologers from the East, erroneously visited infant Brian Cohen's (Graham Chapman) stable manger thinking he was the future King of the Jews or Messiah - bringing gifts to an ungrateful Virgin Mandy (Terry Jones): ("Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me....Is this some kind of joke?...Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out!...Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!"), and Mandy's change of heart when they mentioned their gifts; the discussion about what myrrh was: ("It is a valuable balm" - misunderstood as a 'bomb'), and after realizing their mistake, the three decided to grab back their presents of gold, frankincense, and myrrh
  • the animated title sequence featuring a James Bond-like musical number
  • the famous scene in which listeners were too far away to hear the real Jesus clearly when he delivered his Sermon on the Mount, and thought they heard the words: ("Blessed are the cheesemakers" and "Blessed are the Greek...apparently he's going to inherit the Earth")
  • the hysterical "stoning" skit in which a group of women (disguised as men) anxiously awaited permission to stone a prisoner named Matthias: (Official: "You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer, you are to be stoned to death") from an annoyed, weary Jewish Official (John Cleese) and ended up stoning the official himself when he accidentally said God's name - Jehovah: ("I'm warning you. If you say Jehovah once more...!"), even though he cautioned everyone: ("Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'") - and ended up being crushed by a massive boulder
  • the "PFJ" scene with bickering: ("Are you the Judean People's Front?!...We're the People's Front of Judea!")
  • the conjugation scene, when a Roman Centurion (John Cleese) caught Brian painting "Romanes Eunt Domus" on a palace wall [Romans Go Home] - and Brian received a lesson in proper Latin grammar for the anti-Roman graffiti, and by sunrise, had written out the corrected phrase 100 times on the palace wall: "Romani Ite Domum"
  • the "What Have the Romans Done For Us?" scene, when disgruntled revolutionary Reg (Cleese) asked his commando followers: ("And what have they ever given us in return?") - and received numerous suggestions: the aqueduct, sanitation, the roads, irrigation, medicine, education, wine, public baths, public order, the fresh water system, public health - and peace!
  • the "Biggus Dickus" scene, when lisping, speech-impaired effeminate Pontius Pilate (Michael Palin) was upset when he mentioned his friend Biggus Dickus (Chapman) and his guards began to snigger: ("I have a vewy good fwiend in Wome named 'Biggus Dickus'" and "He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'"); then, he ordered: ("I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not -- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!")
  • the scenes in which Brian was mistaken for a prophet, and the subsequent, insanely devoted worship of Brian as the Messiah (one group worshipped a gourd he used, while another a sandal he lost while being chased) and Brian's futile attempts to get rid of his followers - when Brian fled from a crowd of crazed Messiah followers and jumped in a pit with Simon the Holy Man (Terry Jones), the hermit accidentally broke his vow of silence for 18 years when Brian landed on his foot; Brian repeatedly denied his Messiah-hood: ("Now, f--k off!"), when one of the men shouted back: ("How shall we f--k off, oh Lord?")
  • the two full-frontal nudity scenes: Brian's nude appearance when he opened his window after a night of love-making with feisty lover Judith Iscariot (Sue Jones-Davies) - and was rudely greeted by thousands of followers demanding to follow him; and Judith's vow to Brian's mother about how she would follow Brian - the Messiah, as Brian cowered behind her: ("Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope - hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!"); Brian's mother later warned: "Leave that Welsh tart alone!"
  • Brian's mother Mandy's repeated assertions and protests against the crowds: "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!" - and "There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah"
  • the final crucifixion scene in which Brian was crucified next to others who was encouraged by fellow sufferer Mr. Frisbee (Eric Idle): ("Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And.."), and then he led the singing of the closing, incongruous and upbeat musical song: "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life": ("Always look on the bright side of life. (whistling) Always look on the light side of life. (whistling) If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. And, always look on the bright side of life")

Greatest Funniest Movie Moments and Scenes
(alphabetical order, by film title)
Intro | A1 | A2 | B1 | B2 | C | D | E-F | G | H-I | J-K-L
M1 | M2 | N-O | P1 | P2 | Q-R | S1 | S2 | T | U-V-W-X-Y-Z

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