Greatest Funniest Movie

Moments and Scenes

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Movie Title/Year and Scene Descriptions
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The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

  • the many insanely silly scenes and dead-panned jokes, including the opening of a speeding LA cop car (shot behind the revolving cherry-top) down nighttime streets, into a carwash, and then barreling into a house - and a shower with naked women - and then down a rollercoaster before coming to a stop in front of a donut shop
  • the scene of Detective Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) - on the receiving end of very bad luck while attempting to bust a heroin drug operation at the docks led by shipping magnate Vincent Ludwig (Ricardo Montalban): he was shot multiple times, bumped his head, burned his hand on a hot stove, stumbled into a door with 'wet paint', smashed his hand in a closing window, dove face-first into a frosted cake, stepped into a bear trap, and fell overboard
  • the scene of hapless LA crimefighter and detective-lawman Lt. Frank Drebin's (Leslie Nielsen) commandeering of a driving-school vehicle with an unflappable and calm Driving Instructor (John Houseman): ("It's okay. Normally you would not be going 65 down the wrong way of a one-way street. Apply the brakes. Now, put it in reverse..")
  • the hospital scene of Drebin's visit to see badly-wounded partner Detective Nordberg in his hospital room - and causing his bed to fold up on him by sitting on the bed controls, and making insensitive and blunt comments to his wife Wilma (Susan Beaublan): ("And I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards")
  • the scene of all the most-feared enemies of the US sitting at one conference table and plotting to destroy America -- Muammar al-Qaddafi, Arafat, Khomeini, Idi Amin, and Russian leader Gorbachev
  • the destructive scene of Drebin's complete trashing of Ludwig's apartment of priceless art objects and treasures
  • the famous double-entendre one-liner of Frank Drebin: "Nice beaver" as he looked up the dress of Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley), Ludwig's ex-girlfriend assistant, as she climbed a ladder - to which a stuffed beaver was produced and she responded: "Thank you...I just had it stuffed"
  • the scene of Drebin having "safe sex" with Jane - both wore complete body condoms
  • also the slapstick scene in which Drebin slid across the table and landed, embarrassingly, on the visiting look-alike Queen of England
  • the scenes at the ballgame with Drebin's awkward singing of the national anthem (butchered) while impersonating opera tenor-singer Enrico Pallazzo: ("Oh say can you see / By the dawn's early light / What so proudly we hail / In the twilight's last gleaming? / Whose bright stripes and broad stars / In the perilous night / For the ramparts we watched / uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. / And the rocket's red glare / Lots of bombs in the air / Gave proof to the night / That we still had our flag. / Oh say does that flag banner wave / Over a-a-all that's free / And the home of the land / And the land of the - FREE!")
  • and Drebin -- wearing a live police wire while going to the bathroom -- who was overheard over the stadium loudspeakers at a speech given by flustered Mayor Barkley (Nancy Marchand)
  • and Drebin's undercover role as the home plate umpire: "Steeerikkke!" and his dance around the plate with funky moves
  • and in the conclusion, the visual joke at the top of the stadium when wheel-chaired, recuperating partner Nordberg was slapped on the back by Frank and was sent helplessly down the aisle of the stadium steps and flipped 360 degrees to the ballfield below as Jane gushed to Frank: "Everyone should have a friend like you!"












(National Lampoon's) Animal House (1978)

  • the character of Faber College's animalistic, misfit, beer-bellied, Delta fraternity member John "Bluto" Blutarsky (John Belushi) - with numerous gross-out belches and slobbish behavior (such as crushing beer cans on his head), or in the cafeteria lunch line - and his progress along the counter piling up food on his tray and sucking down a plate of Jell-O in one gulp
  • Bluto's guess-what-I-am-impersonation of a zit when he punched his cheeks to send food in all directions: ("See if you can guess what I am now. I'm a zit. Geddit?")
  • the cafeteria's food fight scene and Bluto's instigating battle cry ("Food fight!")
  • the wild "Toga, Toga" party scene in Delta House at Faber College (chanted by Bluto and others), after Dean Wormer (John Vernon) told the frat that they were on "double secret probation"
  • Bluto's famous challenge to his fellow frat brothers to join him to seek revenge on Dean Wormer and the clean-cut Omegas, although he was historically inaccurate: ("Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!...It ain't over now. Cause when the goin' gets tough, the tough get goin'. Who's with me? Let's go. Come on!")
  • the voyeuristic and winking Peeping Tom scene of Bluto on a ladder outside the window of a sorority house, watching the half-dressed frat girls having a pillow fight, and then being amazed to see self-pleasuring, half-naked Mandy Pepperidge (Mary Louise Weller) by herself - causing his ladder to fall backwards
  • the scene of a Playboy-reading young kid thanking God for a cheerleader from a float catapulted into his room during the sabotaged and ruinous homecoming parade








(National Lampoon's) Christmas Vacation (1989)

  • the trek to the country to find the most perfect X-mas tree, the Griswold Family Christmas Tree: ("We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols"), to cut down an oversized Christmas tree in knee-deep snow: ("Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath")
  • family head Clark Griswold's (Chevy Chase) determination to have a good old-fashioned Christmas celebration: "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f--king Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse"
  • the invitation to many in-laws to join them (Ellen's parents, Clark's own parents and his aunt and uncle), including crazy Kansas redneck Cousin Eddie Johnson (Randy Quaid)
  • sex-crazed Clark's visit to the mall, where he nervously ogled busty lingerie clerk Mary (Nicolette Scorsese) at the display counter, who asked: "Can I show you something?" - with his reply about how cold it was: "Yes, yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, ha, ha, ha. What did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air, though"
  • the scene in which Clark had waxed his round silver sled with a revolutionary grease, although Eddie had encouraged him not to: ("Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?... I had to have it replaced, because every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA, they had to replace it with plastic one. It ain't as strong so, I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic") - and Clark's unexpected streak of fire in the snow after announcing: "Nothin' to worry about, Eddie. Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record. Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, don't try this at home, kids. I am a professional"
  • the traditional turkey meal dinner preceded by 80 year-old Aunt Bethany's (Mae Questel) "Grace" (actually, the Pledge of Allegiance) and the cutting into the bone-dry bird: (Clark: "If this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, I think we're all in for a very big treat!" Eddie: "Save the neck for me, Clark")
  • Clark's angry rant about his Scrooge-like boss, Mr. Shirley (Brian Doyle-Murray): ("I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s--t he is! Hallelujah! Holy S--t! Where's the Tylenol?")
  • the kidnapping of Mr. Shirley - (Clark had suggested it as a "last-minute gift-idea" and Eddie took him seriously); he was tied up with a big red bow on his chest; it was retaliation for Clark not receiving a cash bonus, but a one year membership in the Jelly-of-the-Month Club ("the gift that keeps on giving the whole year")
  • the over-the-top Christmas lights display on the exterior of the house ("250 strands of lights, 100 individual bulbs per strand, for a grand total of 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights") - and the moment the lights were finally turned on, requiring auxiliary power from the utility company, and the electrocution of the cat
  • a terrifying squirrel incident when the wild animal was set loose in the Griswold house, and destructive havoc ensued in an attempt to get rid of it
  • the final disaster when Uncle Lewis (William Hickey) threw his lit cigar down a storm drain, and the entire sewage system destructively exploded (Eddie had dumped raw sewage down the drain); the blast sent a flaming Santa-sleigh and reindeer decoration across the sky in front of a full moon










(National Lampoon's) Vacation (1983)

  • the always-clumsy and dim-brained, half-crazed Clark Griswold's (Chevy Chase) deranged, foul-mouthed exhortation and rant to his beleaguered family to press on to Wally World in Southern California, during his family's cross-country trek in a gigantic pea-green "Wagon Queen Family Truckster" station wagon with a broken-down engine: "I think you're all f--ked in the head. We're ten hours from the f--kin' fun park and you want to bail out! Well, I'll tell you somethin'. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much f--kin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our god-damn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! Ha, ha, ha. I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy S--t!"
  • all of their arduous misadventures on the way to Wally World, including getting lost in East St. Louis where they asked for directions from a pimp: "Pardon me, I wonder if you could tell me how to get back on the expressway?" (who responded: "F--k yo mama!" - and their hubcaps were stolen
  • a parody of the motel shower scene in Psycho (1960) when Clark pretended to attack his long-suffering wife Ellen (Beverly D'Angelo) with a banana, and she rejected his offers to "do" her back and front: ("Go do your own front!"); and afterwards, their aborted love-making when their vibrating massager bed malfunctioned and they were forced to move to the floor
  • the visit with Ellen's beer-swilling, hayseed cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) in Kansas, who ate Hamburger Helper without the meat ("I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?"), including their often funny lines of dialogue: Eddie: "How do you like yours, Clark?" Clark: "Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside." Eddie: "No, I mean your bun"
  • Eddie's young daughter Vicki (Jane Krakowski) bragging about French kissing: "Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it" and also showing off a shoebox full of weed, while Eddie's son Dale (John Nevin) bragged: "I've got a stack of nudie books this high"
  • Clark's encounter with a forgiving and grief-stricken motorcycle cop after he had accidentally dragged Dinky tied by a dog leash to the bumper: "Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch...Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?...Well, it's probably pretty stiff...Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so. Tough little mutt. Yeah....Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road...."
  • Clark's man-to-man talks with his son Rusty (Anthony Michael Hall) including sharing a beer with him
  • Clark's sexy encounters with a flirtatious and tempting vixen (supermodel Christie Brinkley) in a passing red Ferrari and during skinny-dipping in a pool; she flirted: ("Too bad you're married. I'm in the mood for some fun" Clark: "Married? Oh, you mean those people I'm with? That's my brother's family. My brother's ring")
  • the death of Aunt Edna (Imogene Coca) who was tied to the top of the station wagon: (Clark: "You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something")
  • the arrival at Wally World (when they ran in slow-motion to the sounds of Chariots of Fire's theme, but it was closed for two weeks for maintenance)
  • the sequence of holding the Wally World security guard Russ Lasky (John Candy) hostage at gunpoint (with a realistic looking BB-gun)








The Naughty Nineties (1945)

The Navigator (1924)

  • the story of well-to-do Rollo Treadway and girlfriend Betsy O'Brien (Buster Keaton and Kathryn McGuire) on a deserted and adrift yacht (the S.S. Navigator), and their failed efforts to signal a rescue ship (their hoisted white flag was interpreted as "quarantined") and to tug the boat with a small row boat
  • with numerous and elaborate sight gags including efforts to make breakfast (and coffee), open a tin can, boil eggs and remove them from the pot, set up an uncooperative folding deck chair with Betsy in it, sleep on the deck during a rainstorm, and shuffle a wet deck of playing cards
  • the scene of a swinging-portrait on a nail, seen through a porthole and mistaken for a ghost
  • in the dark, the mistaking of a large box of giant fireworks for candles
  • the scene of underwater deep sea diving to patch a leak in the ship, his duel with a swordfish, and an encounter with an octopus, while a tribe of island cannibals in canoes kidnapped Betsy
  • the climactic routing of the natives by scaring them in his deep-sea diving outfit, then circumventing their entry onto the ship by cutting away the gang-plank, and exploding firecrackers at them, and their continual efforts to keep the natives from boarding the ship (including his encounter with a toy cannon tied to his leg) - and their ultimate rescue by an emerging naval submarine after they swam to a small dinghy
  • his accidental hitting of a lever in the submarine after being kissed, sending the interior cabin rotating and tossing them around like within a dryer

 








Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941)

  • the Great Man's (W. C. Fields) two very funny restaurant ordering scenes in the Cozy Corner Cafe - a greasy-spoon restaurant with a tough, obnoxious, fat waitress named Tiny (Jody Gilbert); he asked: "Is there any goulash on this menu?"; she wiped a spot off the menu and replied: "It's roast beef gravy"; then, he asked about the steak: "Is that steak New York cut?"; she crossed if off the menu because it was unavailable. Pouring him a glass of ice water, she became distracted and he ended up with the overflow on his lap. He joked: "No extra charge for the cold shower, I hope"; struggling to order something, he asked: "Do you think it's too hot for pork chops?" That also was crossed off the menu, along with a number of other items. He wondered: "That, uh, practically, uh, eliminates everything but ham and eggs...No ham." He was forced to order two four-minute eggs in a cup, white bread, and milk, causing him to mutter: " I don't know why I ever come in here - the flies get the best of everything."
  • during his second visit to the restaurant with the fleshy waitress, he told her: "I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here" - and then insultingly commented on her big behind: "There's something awfully big about you too"; when he paid his tab, she advised: "And another thing, don't be so free with your hands" - to which he replied: "Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously"
  • the scene of his diving to retrieve his precious bottle of booze which he had accidentally knocked over the side while gesturing; he made a drunken free-fall dive from out of the airplane, now flying over Mexico; catching up with the bottle as he fell thousands of feet to the ground, he landed on a giant mattress in a strange mountain cliff-top country (Ruritania), bouncing about a dozen times until he came to rest, and then asked himself: "Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!"
  • the scene of the Great Man falling in a large basket off the cliff of the mountain top retreat of wealthy matron Mrs. Hemogloben (Margaret Dumont) and her lovely daughter Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben (Susan Miller), to avoid marriage, and his remark as he looked down: "Don't start worrying until we get down to one-thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine. It's the last foot that's dangerous"
  • the final ten minutes - the Great Man's mad drive through downtown LA to take an oversized woman (he presumed she was pregnant) to the maternity hospital (borrowed for Abbott and Costello's In Society (1944)), with a police escort from cops on motorcycles, sirens blaring; after many near-misses and collisions, his car's roof was tangled up with the hook and ladder of a fire-engine, and his car was hoisted high into the air and then dumped back onto the highway; he narrowly missed pedestrians and other cars in the frantic ride to the hospital; his wrecked and disintegrating car finally came to a halt next to the "Maternity Hospital Quiet!" sign, where he was left holding only the steering wheel in his hands. Hospital orderlies rushed out with a stretcher and wheeled the unconscious passenger into the delivery room - she recovered consciousness just in time to berate the hospital staff. The Great Man staggered at the crash site, musing: "Lucky I didn't have an accident...I would have never gotten here"






A Night at the Opera (1935)

  • regarded by some as the funniest sequence ever filmed -- the famous "stateroom" scene (preceded by the 'food-ordering' scene) in which a small cruise ship room was crowded with all four Marx Brothers, chambermaids, an engineer, a manicurist, the engineer's assistant, a passenger looking for her Aunt Minnie, and staff stewards - and opera matron Mrs. Claypool's (Margaret Dumont) opening of the door that spilled all the occupants out onto the floor
  • the preceding egg-ordering scene
  • the classic 'contract-tearing' parody scene of contract negotiations between shady shyster manager Otis P. Driftwood (Groucho Marx) and Fiorello (Chico Marx): "The party of the first part...", ending with Fiorello's concluding that "You can't fool me - There ain't no Sanity Clause"
  • the scene at City Hall in which the stowaways posed as bearded air heroes and Fiorello's speech when he described the aviators' difficult trip to America
  • the hilarious, rearranged furniture and bed-switching sequence in Driftwood's apartment to elude and confuse private Detective Henderson
  • Driftwood's complaint/suggestion: "You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie"
  • and the operatic opening night finale (a lavish production number) of Il Trovatore with madcap havoc: wild backdrops, backstage and onstage chaos, Harpo swinging Tarzan ape-like on stage fly-ropes in tune to Verdi's music, and "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"





9 to 5 (1980) (aka Nine to Five)

  • the catchy Oscar-nominated title song sung by actress Dolly Parton
  • male-dominated, married personal secretary Doralee Rhodes' (Dolly Parton in her film debut) threatening tirade to get her gun and fire at lecherous, chauvinistic and harrassing corporate boss Franklin Hart (Dabney Coleman) after being ogled one too many times: ("If you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I'm gonna get that gun of mine and I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot! Don't think I can’t do it!")
  • the three "old fashioned ladies' pot party" in which Doralee, new secretary Judy Bernly (Jane Fonda), and senior office manager Violet Newstead (Lily Tomlin) fantasized about killing their boss in various ways, each one labeling him as "a lying, sexist, egotistical, hypocritical bigot":
    - Judy hunted him down with a rifle
    - Doralee hog-tied him and put him on a spit
    - and Violet portrayed Disney's Snow White and poisoned him with coffee
  • the scene of Violet - thinking she'd poisoned Hart with rat poisoning - stealing a corpse from the hospital
  • Hart held captive by the trio in a bizarre suspension system
  • Hart's reaction to his unwanted transfer by Russell Tinsworthy (Sterling Hayden) for two or three years to the Brazilian operation: "Brazil, sir?"
  • Hart's sycophantic assistant Roz Keith's (Elizabeth Wilson) reaction to the triumphant, champagne drinking trio celebrating in Hart's office: "Holy merde!"
  • - and the film's final caption: "Franklin Hart was abducted by a tribe of Amazons in the Brazilian jungle and was never heard from again"







Ninotchka (1939)

  • a sophisticated romantic comedy, advertised as the first in which "Garbo LAUGHS"
  • the scene of somber and dour Russian commissar Nina "Ninotchka" Ivanovna Yakushova's (Greta Garbo) arrival at the train station (after being dispatched from Moscow), where she was met by a trio of Russian delegates/comrades (Sig Rumann, Felix Bressart, and Alexander Granach), who apologized for not bringing flowers because they didn't know she was female - and she sternly and unsmilingly cautioned them to downplay her sexuality and not act gallantly: "Don't make an issue of my womanhood. We're here for work. All of us. Let's not waste any time. Shall we go?" - and she refused to have a porter carry her bags; as she walked off, she told them the news: "The last mass trials have been a great success. There are going to be fewer but better Russians"
  • the scene of her meeting with dashing Count Leon d'Algout (Melvyn Douglas), when all she wanted was assistance in holding her unfolded map of Paris to go to the Eiffel Tower to learn about it from a "technical standpoint"; point-blank, she told him: "I am interested only in the shortest distance between these two points. Must you flirt?...Suppress it!"
  • the first instance of Ninotchka saying her famous line after being introduced to Leon's elderly, dignified butler Gaston (Richard Carle): "The day will come when you'll be free. Go to bed, little father. We want to be alone"
  • her response to Leon's request for feedback when he asked: "Ninotchka, you like me just a little bit?" - and her reply: "Your general appearance is not distasteful...The whites of your eyes are clear. Your cornea is excellent"; and then her denial of his feelings of love: "Love is a romantic designation for a most ordinary biological - or, shall we say, chemical - process. A lot of nonsense is talked and written about it"
  • Leon's failed attempt to arouse emotion in Ninotchka: "Love isn't so simple, Ninotchka. Ninotchka, why do doves bill and coo? Why do snails, the coldest of all creatures, circle interminably around each other? Why do moths fly hundreds of miles to find their mates? Why do flowers slowly open their petals? Oh, Ninotchka, Ninotchka, surely you feel some slight symptom of the divine passion? A general warmth in the palms of your hands, a strange heaviness in your limbs, a burning of the lips that isn't thirst but something a thousand times more tantalizing, more exalting, than thirst" - and her cold reply: "You are very talkative"
  • the celebrated cafe scene of Count Leon attempting to melt her icy, stony-faced, humorless, impassive exterior and have her "laugh from the heart" by telling her dumb jokes and stories in a restaurant; when that utterly failed and she remained unamused and stone-faced without any reaction, he leaned backward on the shaky table behind him and accidentally toppled over in his chair, causing everything to crash to the floor. He finally succeeded in making her laugh uproariously and uncontrollably. She howled, threw her head back, and collapsed across the table, pounding it with her hand. Leon slowly got up from the floor, recomposed himself, and sat next to her. And then he recovered and broke down into howling laughter with her. He saw the humor of the situation and joined in everyone's laughter at his own expense





Nothing Sacred (1937)

  • the comic lady-beating scene in this screwball comedy between reportedly-dying Hazel Flagg (Carole Lombard) (of radium poisoning) and hotshot newspaperman Wally Cook (Fredric March) to make Hazel look properly bruised and terminally ill, ending up with Hazel knocked out with a terrific punch

The Nutty Professor (1963)

  • the Jekyll-Hyde character in the film: buck-toothed, whiny-voiced, nerdy and naive scientist Professor Kelp, who was found in the smoky rubble of his lab after a violent and destructive explosion in the film's opening scene
  • the first appearance of hip, greasy-haired and obnoxious ladies man alter-ego Buddy Love in the hip Purple Pit hang-out (a dance nightclub) - who sang "That Old Black Magic" at the piano under subdued lighting - bringing stunned reactions from onlookers

The Nutty Professor (1996)

  • the opening credits scene of the release of hundreds of hamsters on the campus of Wellman College from the laboratory of overweight Professor Sherman Klump (Eddie Murphy), a biochemistry researcher
  • Klump's first meeting with pretty graduate student, Carla Purty (Jada Pinkett), and his bumbling first words to her about chemistry that she was going to be teaching: ("WeII, thank you very much. I'm fatter - uh, fIattered that you, you've been foIIowing my work the way you have. A chemistry teacher. Chemistry sure is important to have... chemistry... to have and use it. ChemicaIIy. Chemistry. WeII")
  • the Klump Family's dinner scene (five characters - including Professor Klump, his father Cletus, mother, brother and grandmother - all played by Eddie Murphy), when they first discussed obesity and ex-overweight black celebrities: ("What are ya talkin' about, where all the fat and calories is? You know where that come from? Watchin' that damn TV. Every time you turn it on, ya got somebody there talkin' about lose weight, get heaIthy, get in shape. Everybody lookin' all anorexic, talkin' about that's healthy. I know what healthy is. And I'll tell ya somethin' else. I don't know why everybody tryin' to lose weight in the first pIace! Ain't everybody supposed to be the same size. We're all different. Big, small, medium, midgets. You supposed to have all that. I don't know if I want to be the same size, like that Oprah Winfrey. She's gonna lose her weight. Wasn't nothin' wrong with her. She was fine. Oprah was a fox! She lose all that weight, her head Iook all big, skin hangin' all over. And Luther Vandross. Nigger used to be the black Pavarotti. Lost all that weight, lookin' all ashy. Oprah and Luther need to keep their ass one weight, 'cause I'm confused")
  • the continuation of the dinner scene when Sherman's ravenous father Cletus began to pass gas ("coIon cIeansin'") - and ended up soiling himself when he broke wind - and everyone began tooting: (Cletus: "Oops. Now see what you made me do? Goddamn it, I messed up my pants")
  • also the two scenes of Sherman's fantasy nightmares (spoofing well-known films From Here to Eternity (1953) and King Kong (1933)), kissing Carla on a beach (but with his tremendous weight buried her under the sand) and then terrorizing the city as a monstrous giant Fatzilla: ("It's Fat-ziIIa! Boy, you look Iike King Kong with titties"), and then a passerby cried out a warning: "Oh my God, he's gonna blow!" - and Sherman's gargantuan expelled fart caused massive destruction, although Cletus congratulated him: "Way to go, son! That's my boy!"; a bum lighting a match ignited an H-bomb-like explosion
  • and the attempts in a Rocky-styled montage by Klump to work out, including a failed acupuncture session with thousands of needles
  • after taking a massive dose of genetic weight loss formula, Klump's transformation when he stood in front of a mirror and saw himself: ("Oh! Oh! I'm thin! I'm thin! Look at my cheekbones! I have cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest. Look at my breasts. I don't have breasts. I'm an 'A' cup. I don't need a bra anymore. Oh, God! I'm thin! I'm thin! I'm thin! Nothin' but air there. Nothin' but air there. My ass is gone now. I'm sIim, sIim, sIim. WeII, I'II be damned! I can see my dick! My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick!"); however, he was also transformed into an obnoxious, testosterone-driven alter-ego Buddy Love (Murphy again)
  • the scene of Buddy's apology to Carla for being late in front of The Scream nightclub: ("Let's just have a meaI together. Why you Ieavin'? Hey, what you want? You want me to beg you? I'II get down on my knees. I'II beg you in front of aII these peopIe. Think I care if these peopIe are watchin'? I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I want the worId to know that I was Iate! And I'm sorry! My car ran outta gas. I needed fresh drawers. My mother's sick. The car broke down on the street...I don't know why this is happenin' tonight. Of aII nights this has got to happen to me tonight.... Why!? Why!?...Why?")
  • Buddy's fat jokes, told in merciless revenge against stand-up comedian Reggie Warrington (Dave Chappelle), deriding his mother's weight and other insults: ("Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!...Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is rocky road! Last one! Reggie's mother's so fat... HER BELT SIZE IS EQUATOR!")
  • the embarrassing conversation at the Klump dinner table when Sherman brought Carla there for dinner, and they made inappropriate comments about the two having sex and getting married: ("Sherman has never had reIations...I hope you got a strong back. When you get aII that man, and reIease aII that that's been buiIt up for 35 years. Just wantin' and wantin' and wantin'! Whoo! Might make your head bIow off...I got my own seIf hot teIIin' that story")
  • the scene of Buddy explaining in "rich-dummy" terms the secret of his weight loss plan to wealthy alumnus Harlan Hartley (James Coburn) at the hotel restaurant The Ritz: ("I'll break it down for all the rich dummies in the room, listen up! If you gonna eat nasty stuff like this. I know it looks good and some of you all like porkchop. But this greasy, nasty porkchop, do you realize that there's a gene in your DNA that routes this straight to your fat cells, and it causes all sorts of unsightly conditions. Case in point, this woman is sufferin' from what I like to call jello arms. You notice the arm has taken on a gelatin sort of vibe, and it's quite nasty. Now to my left, this gentleman has turkey neck, and to my immediate left, this woman is sufferin' from what we like to call saddlebag syndrome. And to my extreme left, this young lady is suffering from what I like to call tank ass... I'm your brother, I'm your brother. Like I was sayin' everybody, where there's a will, there's a way, and there is a way we can turn these genes off, and I'm not talkin' about usin' exercise or diet, I'm talkin' about by takin' a simple solution that helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands, thus giving you the appearance of, as they say in medical terms, gluteus minimus, or in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass. Let's give a big round of applause for the woman with the nice ass, huh? It's so nice, don't you agree? She's worked so hard. Have a seat, have a seat. Oh, are these girls with you? Everyone has a nice ass at this table. Is this the nice ass section?")
  • and the final scene, when the two alter-egos: Buddy Love vs. Sherman "fought" against each other as he gave a demonstration on stage of the effects of the miracle serum











O

The Odd Couple (1968)

  • the continuing contrast of two opposing, incompatible, divorced/separated male roommates (both divorced from ex-wives Blanche and Frances) trapped together in a Manhattan apartment
  • the compulsive, prissy, hypochondriacal, neat, tidy, know-it-all photographer Felix Ungar (Jack Lemmon)
  • the ultra-slobbish, unkempt sportswriter Oscar Madison (Walter Matthau)
  • during his weekly poker game, Oscar's offer to share food from his refrigerator now broken for two weeks - spoiled and rotten sandwiches: ("I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. Which one do you want?" "What's the green?" "It's either very new cheese or very old meat")
  • their fight in the kitchen: (Felix: "It's not spaghetti, it's linguini." Oscar (after throwing the linguini at the wall and making a mess): "Now it's garbage")
  • the restaurant scene where Felix demonstrated his loud honking technique to clear his sinuses: ("I'm trying to clear up my ears. You create a pressure inside your head. It opens up the eustachian tubes"), and then complained: "I think I strained my throat"
  • Oscar's laundry list of problems with Felix, and his interpretation of the note he found from Felix on his pillow: ("I can tell you exactly what it is. It's the cooking, the cleaning, the crying. It's the talking in your sleep. It's those moose calls that open your ears at 2:00 o'clock in the morning. I can't take it anymore, Felix. I'm crackin' up. Everything you do irritates me, and when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. I've told you 158 times I cannot stand little notes on my pillow. 'We are all out of cornflakes. F.U.' Took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Ungar")

 






Office Space (1999)

  • the condescending "Did you get the memo?" office scenes of computer programmer Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston) being reprimanded for not following protocol by Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole), and then a second time by Dom Portwood (Joe Bays): ("Ahh, we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn't put one of the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. reports...Mmm, yeah. You see, we're putting the cover sheets on all T.P.S. reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this?... If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that would be great. And, uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo. OK!")
  • the character of cubicle office-mate Milton Waddams, who argued to Peter that he was allowed to listen to his radio for two hours each morning: ("I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven... I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing, then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven")
  • and Milton's feelings of being threatened when he was to be moved to a new location: ("And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...")
  • the rage expressed by Samir Nagheenanajar (Ajay Naidu) on Monday morning at the office printer-copier-fax machine: ("Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of s--t out the window...Piece of s--t!")
  • the scene of Peter candidly describing a typical workday to efficiency experts, mostly about his lack of motivation: ("Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. Uh, I use the side door. That way Lumbergh can't see me. And, uh, after that, I just sort of space out for about an hour....Yeah. I just stare at my desk. But it looks like I'm working. I do that for, uh, probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week, I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work....Let me tell you something about T.P.S. reports. Ahh... The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care...It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now, if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime. So where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob. I have eight different bosses right now....So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation, is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that'll only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired")
  • the scene of the ultimate revenge against the office copier/fax/printer machine - its demise was delivered with shoe heels and a baseball bat in the middle of a field, to the rap tune of the Geto Boys song "Still"
  • the scene in which waitress Joanna (Jennifer Aniston) told her demanding boss (who said that she lacked "flair" and only did "the bare minimum") that she quit - and gave him the finger: ("Huh, what do I think? Um, you know what, Stan, if you want me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair like your, uh, pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum thirty-seven pieces of flair?...You know what? Yeah, I do. I do want to express myself. OK? And I don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it. All right? There's my flair. OK? And this is me expressing myself. OK? There it is. I hate this job. I hate this goddamn job, and I don't need it")






Old School (2003)

  • the wedding reception scene, and Mitch Martin's (Luke Wilson) drunken and inappropriate toast to his buddy Frank "The Tank" Ricard (Will Ferrell) who had just been wed to Marissa (Perrey Reeves): ("True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded Iike a goddamn magic show, ready to double-team your girlfriend"); to save embarrassment, Bernard "Beanie" (Vince Vaughn) grabbed the microphone and continued: ("And it stops right there and it continues right here, because I think what my friend Mitch is trying to say is that true love is blind. Let's raise our glasses, whatever we got in front of us. Salute. Health and happiness. Cheers, everybody")
  • the scene of Beanie complimenting Mitch on his new rented home, and telling his son Max to cover his ears ("Earmuff it for me") so that he could use profanities, and encourage Mitch to hold a house-warming party - dubbed Mitch-A-Palooza: ("We're gonna get so much ass here, it's gonna be sick. I'm talking like crazy, like boy-band ass....What we need to do is to throw us like a big kick-off, like kick-ass party to start things off here...I don't think you realize what a huge opportunity this is for you. Girls love a guy who's in your particular situation....Mitch, you're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health, who's finally gonna be re-released into the wilderness")
  • Frank's urging of everyone to go streaking at the party, although he ultimately was the only one running through the streets and through the quad to the gymnasium ("We're streaking!"); a carload of female acquaintances came upon Frank and were disgusted, including Frank's wife Marissa: ("What the hell are you doing?"), although Frank insisted: "Everybody's doing it"; when he got in the car, one of the ladies noticed Frank's shrinkage: ("Looks like it's a little cold out there, huh?")
  • the scene of the College Dean Gordon Pritchard (Jeremy Piven), previously known as "Cheeese!" when they abused him in his younger days, telling Beanie and Mitch that the house must be vacated in a week: ("And as of this morning, this house has been rezoned. It is now exclusively for campus use only")
  • the marriage counseling scene in which the therapist (Gregory Alan Williams) encouraged Frank and his wife Marissa to "say anything...in the trust tree, in the nest" - and Frank talked about fantasizing the type of underpants worn by a waitress at the Olive Garden: ("I guess, deep down, I'm feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly you get married and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday, for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happened to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they're probably basic white, cotton underpants. But I started thinking, 'Well, maybe they're silk panties.' 'Maybe it's a thong.' 'Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about.' You know? And, uh, I started feeling...I don't know where I was going with that. I-I guess what I'm trying to say is that now that I'm married, I'm definitely feeling a little freaked out about the fact that I'm gonna have sex with only one person for the rest of my life")
  • the fraternity hazing scene of the inaugural pledge class, involving a 30 pound cinder block that was tied with a long piece of string to the penis of each pledge before they dropped their block off a ledge onto the lawn below: ("This is your first test....Do you trust we've provided you with enough slack so your block will land safely on the lawn?...Pledges, prepare to release! One... two... three! Release!"); Weensie's (Jerod Mixon) block hit a sewage drain and he was pulled from the ledge onto the lawn ("Wasn't meant to happen like that, Weensie! Walk it off, big guy. We're coming down")
  • the petting zoo scene at a child's birthday party in which Frank shot himself accidentally with a horse-tranquilizer gun ("the most powerful tranq gun on the market, I got her in Mexico") - in the jugular ("They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...") - while mullet-haired stable boy Peppers (Seann William Scott) tending to the animals exclaimed: "Yes, that's awesome!...You just took one to the jugular, man"; Frank's voice began to slow down and become distorted
  • and during the charter review, the debate scene (over the government's role in supporting innovation in the field of biotechnology) between Mr. James Carville (Himself), the co-host of CNN's Crossfire and famed political consultant, and Frank - who gave an astounding answer: ("Recent research has shown that empirical evidence for globalization of corporate innovation is very limited. And as a corollary, the market for technologies is shrinking. As a world leader, it is important for America to provide systematic research grants for our scientists. I believe strongly there will always be a need for us to have a well-articulated innovation policy with emphasis on human resource development. Thank you"); and Carville's response: ("We have no response. That was perfect"); Frank screamed out: "That's the way you do it! That's the way you debate"







One, Two, Three (1961)

  • a satirical comedy with the blustery, fast-talking character - the head of Coca Cola's West Berlin operations - C. R. "Mac" MacNamara (an over-the-top performance by James Cagney), and his many commands to his loyal heel-clicking German assistant Schlemmer (Hanns Lothar): ("Schlemmer, you're back in the SS, small salary!"), and his funny pro-capitalist lines, such as: "'Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad"
  • the main objective of Mac - to keep his conservative boss Wendell's (Howard St. John) impulsive, hot-blooded 17 year-old, southern-belle daughter Scarlett Hazeltine (Pamela Tiffin) from marrying a radical communist in order to save his job and be transferred out of post-war Berlin, although she confessed that she had been married for six weeks: "He's not a communist. He's a Republican. Comes from the Republic of East Germany" - Mac was flabbergasted: "Why you dumb, stupid little pot! Do you realize what you've done? You've ruined me, that's all!"
  • the East German arrest (by planting a copy of the Wall Street Journal) and torture of young, beatnik East German communist Otto Ludwig Piffl (Horst Buchholz), Scarlett's husband in a "happy socialist marriage" - forcing him to listen to Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini over and over again on a phonograph - to try to turn him into an instant capitalist, and to get him to sign a confession that he was an American spy
  • Otto's disgust at the West: " "I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall Street", to which MacNamara responded: "Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?"; Otto made other pronouncements: "Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines but it stinks"
  • the Grand Hotel Potemkin scene of Mac's sexy and busty secretary Fraulein Ingeborg (Liselotte or Lilo Pulver) stripping off her polka-dot dress to ingratiate himself with German officials
  • and the final scene (and ending line) when MacNamara found he was drinking a Pepsi-Cola dispensed from a Coke machine, and he yelled out: "Schlemmer!"






Greatest Funniest Movie Moments and Scenes
(alphabetical order, by film title)
Intro | A1 | A2 | B1 | B2 | C | D | E-F | G | H-I | J-K-L
M1 | M2 | N-O | P1 | P2 | Q-R | S1 | S2 | T | U-V-W-X-Y-Z

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