Best Film Speeches
and Monologues

2009-2010


Best Film Speeches and Monologues
Film Title/Year and Description of Film Speech/Monologue
Screenshots

The Blind Side (2009)
Screenwriter(s): John Lee Hancock

"To Protect His Blind Side"

In the film's opening lines, strong-minded Memphis mother Leigh Anne Touhy (Oscar-winning Sandra Bullock) narrated these words during a video replay of one shocking and unforgettable play during a football game held in Washington, D.C on November 18, 1985 (Monday night), between the Washington Redskins and the New York Giants. During a blitz, defensive linebacker Lawrence Taylor (and others) sacked Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann during a 'flea-flicker,' causing a compound fracture of Theismann's lower right leg. As a result, the highest paid football player, after the quarterback, is the left tackle, who protects the quarterback's 'blind side':

(Crowd cheering in distance) There's a moment of orderly silence before a football play begins. Players are in position, linemen are frozen, and anything is possible. (TV announcer: Almost Indian-summer weather here in mid-November.) Then, like a traffic accident, stuff begins to randomly collide. From the snap of the ball to the snap of the first bone is closer to four seconds than five. (TV announcer: First and 10, Riggins flea-flicker back to Theismann. Theismann's in a lot of trouble.)

(Tape Rewinds) One Mississippi. Joe Theismann, the Redskins' quarterback, takes the snap and hands off to his running back. (TV announcer) Two Mississippi. It's a trick play, a flea-flicker, and the running back tosses the ball back to the quarterback. (TV announcer) Three Mississippi. Up to now, the play's been defined by what the quarterback sees. It's about to be defined by what he doesn't. Four Mississippi. Lawrence Taylor is the best defensive player in the NFL, and has been from the time he stepped onto the field as a rookie. (TV announcer: And it was Lawrence Taylor who slammed Theismann to the ground at the 42-yard line. The blitz was on.) He will also change the game of football as we know it. (TV announcer: And we'll look at it with the reverse angle one more time. And I suggest if your stomach is weak, you just don't watch.) Legendary quarterback Joe Theismann never played another down of football.

Now, y'all would guess that, more often than not, the highest paid player on an NFL team is a quarterback, and you'd be right. But what you probably don't know is, that more often than not, the second highest paid player is, thanks to Lawrence Taylor, a left tackle. Because, as every housewife knows, the first check you write is for the mortgage, but the second is for the insurance. And the left tackle's job is to protect the quarterback from what he can't see coming. To protect his blind side. The ideal left tackle is big, but a lot of people are big. He's wide in the butt and massive in the thighs. He has long arms, giant hands and feet as quick as a hiccup. This is a rare and expensive combination the need for which can be traced to that Monday night game and Lawrence Taylor. For on that day, he not only altered Joe Theismann's life, but mine as well.





Brief Interviews With Hideous Men (2009)
Screenwriter(s): John Krasinski

"I Stand Here Naked Before You. Judge Me, You Bitch"

Ryan (John Krasinski) (aka subject # 20) was the last to be interviewed by anthropology doctoral candidate Sara Quinn (Julianne Nicholson) who was investigating the effects of the "feminist movement" on the contemporary male. During her research, revealed in the film's final moments, she was also attempting to understand her harsh break-up in her own romance with her nasty ex, Ryan:

I'm aware of how all this sounds and can well imagine the judgments you're forming, but if I'm really to explain this to you, then I have no choice but to be candid.

Yes, it was a pickup. Plain and simple. And she was what one might call a granola cruncher. A hippie. And she was straight out of central casting: the sandals, flamboyantly long hair, financial support from parents she reviled, and some professed membership in an apostrophe-heavy Eastern religion that I would defy anyone to pronounce correctly. Look, I'll just bite the political bullet and confess that I classified her as a strictly one-night objective. And that my interest in her was due almost entirely to the fact that, yes, she was pretty. She was sexually attractive. She was sexy. And it was really nothing more complicated or noble than that. And having had some prior dealings with the cruncher genus, I think the one-night proviso was due mostly to the grim unimaginability of having to talk with her for more than one night. Whether or not you approve, I think we can assume you understand. And there's something in the way - I mean, a near contempt, in the way that you can casually saunter over to her blanket and create the sense of connection that will allow you to pick her up. And you almost resent the fact that it's so goddamn easy. I mean, how exploitative you feel that it is so easy to get this type to regard you as a kindred soul. I mean, you almost know what's gonna be said before she even opens her mouth.

Okay, so now there we are in my apartment, and she begins going on about her religious views. Her obscure denomination's views on energy fields and connections between souls via what she kept calling 'focus.' And in response to some sort of prompt or association, she begins to relate this anecdote. And in the anecdote, there she is, hitchhiking. Well, she said she knew she made a mistake the moment she got in the car. Her explanation was that she didn't actually feel any energy field until she had shut the car's door and they were moving - at which point it was too late. And she wasn't melodramatic about it, but she described herself as literally paralyzed with terror. It was something about his eyes. She said she knew instantly in the depths of her soul that this man's intentions were to brutally rape, torture, and kill her. And that by the time the psychotic had exited into a secluded area and actually said what his true intentions were, she wasn't the least bit surprised because she knew that she was going to be just another grisly discovery for some amateur botanist or scout troupe a few days later - unless she could focus her way into a soul connection that would prevent this man from murdering her. I mean to focus intently on this psychotic as an ensouled and beautiful, albeit tormented, person in his own right, rather than merely as a threat to her. And I'm well aware that what she is about to describe is nothing more than a variant of the stale, old love-will-conquer-all, but for the moment, just bracket your contempt and try to see what she actually has the courage and conviction to really attempt here.

Because imagine what it must have felt like for her. For anyone. Contemplate just how little-kid-level scared you'd be that this psychotic could bring you to this point simply by wishing it. And now here she is in the car, and she's realizing that she's in for the biggest struggle of her spiritual life. She stares directly into the psychopath's right eye and wills herself to keep her gaze on him directly at all times. And the effects of her focus, she says that when she was able to hold her focus, this psychopath behind the wheel would gradually stop ranting and become tensely silent. And she wills herself not to weep or plead, but merely to use focus as an opportunity to empathize. And this was my first hint of sadness in listening to the anecdote as I found myself admiring certain qualities in her story that were the same qualities I had been contemptuous of when I first picked her up in the park!

And then he asked her to get out of the car and lie prone on the ground. And she doesn't hesitate or beg. She was experiencing a whole new depth of focus. She said she could hear the tick of the cooling car, bees, birds. Imagine the temptation to despair in the sound of carefree birds only yards from where you lay breathing in the weeds. And in this heightened state, she said she could feel the psychotic realizing the truth of the situation at the same time she did. And when he came over to her and turned her over, he was crying. And she claimed it took no effort of will to hold him as he wept, as he raped her. She just stared into his eyes lovingly the entire time. She stayed where he left her all day in the gravel, weeping, and giving thanks to her religious principles. She wept out of gratitude, she says. Well, I don't mind telling you, I had begun to cry at this story's climax. Not loudly, but I did. She had learned more about love that day with the sex offender than in any other stage of her spiritual journey. And I realized in that moment that I had never loved anyone before. She had addressed the psychotic's core weakness. The terror of a soul-exposing connection with another human being.

Nor is any of this all that different than a man sizing up an attractive girl at a concert and pushing all the right buttons to induce her to come home with him. And lighting her cigarettes and engaging in an hour of post-coital chit-chat. Seemingly very intent and close. But what he really wants to do is give her a special disconnected telephone number and never contact her again. And that the reason for this cold and victimizing behavior is that the very connection that he had worked so hard to make her feel terrifies him.

Do you see how open I'm being with you here? Well, I know I'm not telling you anything you haven't already decided that you know. I can see you forming judgments with that chilly smile. You're not the only one who can read people, you know. And you know what? It's because of her influence that I am more sad for you than pissed off. Because the impact of this story was profound and I'm not even gonna begin to describe it to you. Can you imagine how any of this felt? To look at her sandals across the room on the floor and remember what I had thought of them only hours before. And I'd say her name and she'd say 'What?' and I'd say her name again. Well, I'm not embarrassed. I don't care how this sounds to you now. I mean, can you see how I could not just let her go after this? I just, I grabbed onto her skirt and I begged her not to leave. And then I watched her gently close the door and walk off barefoot down the hall, and never seeing her again. But it didn't matter that she was fluffy or not terribly bright! Nothing else mattered! She had all of my attention - I had fallen in love with her! I believed that she could save me. Well, I'm aware of how all this sounds, I can see that look on your face. And I know you. And I know what you're thinking. So ask it. Ask it now, this is your chance. 'I believed she could save me,' I said. Ask it now. Say something! I stand here naked before you. Judge me, you bitch. You happy now? You all worn out? Well, be happy because I don't care. I knew she could and I knew I loved. End of story.




(500) Days of Summer (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber

"This Is Not A Love Story"

In this non-linear romantic comedy, a Narrator (Richard McGonagle) explained - in voice-over - in the film's pre-credits opening, the background to the film's plot. It concerned a 500 day relationship between aspiring architect and greeting card writer Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and his boss' beautiful new secretary, Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel) that began on January 8th - with brief flashbacks to their past as youngsters:

This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met 'the one'. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie 'The Graduate'. [Dustin Hoffman on TV: "Elaine! Elaine!"] The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parents' marriage, she'd only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and feel nothing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she's who he's been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.



The Hangover (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Jon Lucas, Scott Moore

"The Wolf-Pack" Toast

Once they had arrived in Las Vegas and acquired a villa at Caesar's Palace Casino/Hotel, groom-to-be Doug (Justin Bartha) and his three groomsmen went to the rooftop to drunkenly make toasts. Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis) offered these words, claiming they were 'blood' brothers:

I’d like to, I’d like to say something that I’ve prepared tonight. Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So - there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, 'Wait a second, could it be?' And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! (He pulled out a knife and cut his palm) Blood brothers!


Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Quentin Tarantino

According to the Jew Hunter, Jews Share the Attributes of a Rat

In 1941, SS Colonel Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz), with the unofficial title "The Jew Hunter," spoke to pipe-smoking French dairy farmer Perrier LaPadite (Denis Menochet) about his goal of searching for Jews, suspecting that the farmer was sheltering enemies of the state by hiding the Jewish Dreyfus family somewhere on his property:

Now if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking, would you treat it with a saucer of your delicious milk? (LaPadite: "Probably not") I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive.

Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide, but there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer's brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.

Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Quentin Tarantino

The Introduction of Aldo Raine to the Basterds - Each Man Owes Me 100 Nazi Scalps!

In 1944 during the war, First Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) spoke to his special team of 'take-no-prisoners' Basterds - eight Jewish-American soldiers on a mission as a "bushwhackin' guerrilla army" to go behind Nazi enemy lines:

My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm puttin' together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happenin' soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only - killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the god-damn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a f--kin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die.

Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tortured with. Sound good?

The Basterds responded in unison: "Yes Sir!"

That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warnin' for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me 100 Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will get me 100 Nazi scalps taken from the heads of 100 dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.




Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Geoffrey Fletcher

Sexual Abuse Confessed to a Social Worker - "Who Was Gonna Love Me?"

Social Worker Mrs. Weiss (Mariah Carey) asked to be informed about details of the "actual act of physical and sexual abuse" that 16 year-old obese daughter Precious (Gabourey Sidibe) had experienced in the household from her dysfunctional and abusive mother Mary Lee Johnston (Mo'Nique). The mother was asked: "when it first began, where it happened, and how did you respond?" The pathologically damaged, inner-city dwelling Mary delivered a heart-breaking dialogue about how she had let her husband Carl emotionally, physically, and sexually abuse Precious since she was three years old, and how she had become jealous over Precious taking away her man:

Precious was a little girl...She was three, and I had been givin' her the bottle. And I was givin' Carl the tittie because my milk hadn't dried up in my breasts. But not from her, but because Carl was - because Carl was suckin' on that, and that's what kept my milk in my breasts. And I thought that was for hygiene. I did what my momma told me that I was supposed to do with my child, so that's what I did. And you're sittin' up there, and you're tryin' to judge me...But Ms. Weiss, I don't like you lookin' at me like that. You got this bitch lookin' at me like I'm some kind of a f--kin' monster...I didn't want her suckin' behind him, because that was nasty, and the things that he was...it was just nasty, Ms. Weiss.

I-I, I had a man and I have a child. And I had to take care of both of them. Okay? Did I want Carl to touch my baby? Because I would lay my baby, I would lay her on the side of me on this pillow. And it was pink and it had this little white writin' on it and it had her name, 'cause she was Precious. And I would lay my baby on that pillow. And Carl would be laying on the other side. And then we would, we would, uh, start doing it and he reached over and he touched my baby. And I asked him, I said, Carl what are you doin'? And he told me to shut, to shut my fat ass up and it was good for her.... I shut my fat ass up.

And I don't want you to sit there and judge me, Ms. Weiss...(hysterically) I did not want him to abuse my daughter. I did not want him to hurt her. I did not want him to do nothin' to her. I wanted him to make love to me. That was my man. That was my f--kin' man. That was my man and he wanted my daughter. And that's why I hated her because it was my man who was supposed to be lovin' me, who was supposed to be makin' love to me, he was f--kin' my baby. And she made him leave, she made him go away.... It was Precious' fault because she let my man have her and she didn't say nothin'. She didn't scream, she didn't do nothin'.

So those things that she told you I did to her, who, who, who else was gonna love me? Hmm? Since you got your degree and you know every f--kin' thing, who was gonna love me? Who, who was gonna make me feel good? Who was gonna touch me and make me feel good like that? And she made him go away. So, when you sit there and you write them f--kin' notes on your pad about who you think I am and why I did it and all of that... Because I'm in hell.



Up in the Air (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner

What's In Your Backpack? -- "Moving Is Living" and "The Slower We Move, the Faster We Die"

Corporate downsizer Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) gave his philosophy of life in motivational speeches throughout the film, first in the lobby of a Hampton Inn in Columbus, Ohio, and then continuing in Miami where he had last left off. In the first talk, he asked his audience to "try to walk" with their backpacks full of stuff, and then suggested they should burn their backpacks. In the second talk, he asked everyone to fill their backpacks with people. Bingham believed one should live an isolated, ever-moving life without emotional ties. He extolled the virtues of a life free of burdensome relationships with people as well as things:

How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to feel the straps on your shoulders. Feel 'em? Now I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life. You start with the little things. The things on shelves and in drawers, the knick-knacks, the collectibles. Feel the weight as that adds up. Then you start adding larger stuff, clothes, table-top appliances, lamps, linens, your TV.

The backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. And you go bigger. Your couch, bed, your kitchen table. Stuff it all in there. Your car, get it in there. Your home, whether it's a studio apartment or a two bedroom house. I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now try to walk. It's kind of hard, isn't it? This is what we do to ourselves on a daily basis. We weigh ourselves down until we can't even move. And make no mistake, moving is living.

Now, I'm gonna set that backpack on fire. What do you want to take out of it? What do you want to take out of it? Photos? Photos are for people who can't remember. Drink some ginkgo and let the photos burn. In fact, let everything burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing. It's kind of exhilarating, isn't it?

-----

Now, this is gonna be a little difficult, so stay with me. You have a new backpack. Only this time, I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office, and then you move into the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your cousins, your aunts, your uncles, your brothers, your sisters, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend or your girlfriend.

You get them into that backpack. And don't worry. I'm not gonna ask you to light it on fire. Feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake - your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. Do you feel the straps cutting into your shoulders?

All those negotiations and arguments, and secrets and compromises. You don't need to carry all that weight. Why don't you set that bag down? Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime - star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those animals. The slower we move, the faster we die. We are not swans. We're sharks.


Watchmen (2009)
Screenwriter(s): David Hayter, Alex Tse

A Vain Plea to "Save Us!"

After an extensive five-minute backstory credits sequence (to the tune of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'") and a fight scene, in voice-over, masked, trench-coated vigilante Rorschach/Walter Kovacs (Jackie Earle Haley) read from his journal, in the gritty alternate year of 1985:

Rorschach's Journal. October 12th, 1985: Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city's afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout: 'Save us!' - and I'll whisper 'no.'

Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody hell. All those liberals and intellectuals and smooth talkers - and all of a sudden, nobody can think of anything to say. Beneath me, this awful city. It screams like an abattoir full of retarded children, and the night reeks of fornication and bad consciences.

127 Hours (2010)
Screenwriter(s): Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy

"I Love You Guys"

While his right arm was trapped under a huge boulder when canyoning solo in a remote and narrow sandstone cavern crevice near Moab, Utah (based upon a real-life incident in 2003), mountain climber Aron Ralston (James Franco) began to get closer to death. On the Tuesday of his 127 hour ordeal, he pretended he was a TV morning show announcer with his camcorder, interviewing himself about being trapped without notifying anyone about his whereabouts, and then he more poignantly addressed his parents:

Good morning, everyone! It is 7 o'clock here in Canyonland, USA. And this morning on the boulder, we have a very special guest - self-proclaimed American super-hero Aron Ralston! Let's hear it for Aron. (Audience cheering) Hey! (chuckling to himself) Hi, oh gosh, it's, it's a real pleasure to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Uhm, hey, can I say hi to my Mom and Dad? Mom and Dad! Mustn't forget Mom and Dad, right Aron? Yeah, that's right. Uh, hey Mom. I'm really sorry I - I didn't answer the phone the other night. If I had, I would have told you where I was going, and then, well, I probably wouldn't be here right now. That's for sure! (Audience chuckling) But like I always say, your supreme selfishness is our gain. Thank you, Aron.

Anyone else you'd like to say hi to? Uhm, well, Brion at work!...Hey! Uh, I probably won't be making it into work today. (laughing to himself) (Audience laughs too) Get a load of this guy! Oh, wait! Hold on. We've got a question coming in from another Aron in Loser Canyon, Utah. Aron asks, 'Am I right in thinking that even if Brion from work notifies the police, they'll put a 24-hour hold on it before they file a Missing Persons report? Which means you won't become officially missing until midday Wednesday, at the earliest!' Ah, yeah. You're right on the money there, Aron. (Audience laughing) Which means I'll probably be dead by then. Aron, from Loser Canyon, Utah. How do you know so much? (Audience clapping) Well, I'll tell you how I know so much. I volunteer for the rescue service. Hmm? You see, I'm something of a, uh, well, a big f--king hard hero! (Audience laughs) And I can do everything on my own, you see? I do see. (Audience applauding)

Now, is it true that despite - or maybe because you're a big f--king hard hero - you didn't tell anyone where you were going? Uh, yeah, that's absolutely correct. Anyone? Anyone. Oops! (Audience laughing) Oops. Oops. (sighs)

Mom, Dad. I just want to take this time to tell you that the times we've spent together have been awesome. And I haven't appreciated you in my heart as I know that I could. Mom, I love you and I wish that I'd returned all your calls, ever. I love you guys, and I'll always be with you. Yeah.

As he became more and more dehydrated and delusional, he introspectively chronicled his own demise, while experiencing a life-altering revelation about entrapment and engagement:

You know, I've been thinking. Everything is (exhales) - it just comes together...It's me...I chose this. I chose all of this...This rock (grunting) - this rock has been waiting for me my entire life. (Screaming) I hate this rock! In it's entire life - ever since it was - a bit of meteorite a million, billion years ago up there in space - it's been waiting, to come here - right, right here. I've been moving towards it my entire life. The minute I was born, every breath I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the earth's surface.



The Other Guys (2010)
Screenwriter(s): Adam McKay, Chris Henchy

A Lion vs. a Tuna: "You're Out-gunned and Out-manned"

Two mismatched NYPD detectives, dim-witted Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) and pencil-pushing, mild-mannered desk cop Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) obviously do not get along. Terry started off an argument between them - face-to-face:

Do you know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple of detectives and I was about to start bad-mouthing you behind your back. But I stopped myself because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward...Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face...No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

Emasculated Allen responded with a logical counter-argument against his loose-cannon, hot-headed partner:

OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle. You lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said, 'You know what, lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your - your pride, your children, your offspring...

We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're out-gunned and out-manned. Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.




Best Film Speeches and Monologues
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Introduction
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