Best Film Speeches and Monologues
|Film Title/Year and Description of Film Speech/Monologue
The Blind Side (2009)
Screenwriter(s): John Lee Hancock
Protect His Blind Side"
In the film's opening lines, strong-minded Memphis
mother Leigh Anne Touhy (Oscar-winning Sandra Bullock) narrated
these words during a video replay of one shocking and unforgettable
play during a football game held in Washington, D.C on November
18, 1985 (Monday night), between the Washington Redskins and
the New York Giants. During a blitz, defensive linebacker Lawrence
Taylor (and others) sacked Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann
during a 'flea-flicker,' causing a compound fracture of Theismann's
lower right leg. As a result, the highest paid football player,
after the quarterback, is the left tackle, who protects the quarterback's
(Crowd cheering in distance) There's a moment
of orderly silence before a football play begins. Players are
in position, linemen are frozen, and anything is possible.
(TV announcer: Almost Indian-summer weather here in mid-November.)
Then, like a traffic accident, stuff begins to randomly collide.
From the snap of the ball to the snap of the first bone is
closer to four seconds than five. (TV announcer: First and
10, Riggins flea-flicker back to Theismann. Theismann's in
a lot of trouble.)
(Tape Rewinds) One Mississippi. Joe Theismann,
the Redskins' quarterback, takes the snap and hands off to
his running back. (TV announcer) Two Mississippi. It's a trick
play, a flea-flicker, and the running back tosses the ball
back to the quarterback. (TV announcer) Three Mississippi.
Up to now, the play's been defined by what the quarterback
sees. It's about to be defined by what he doesn't. Four Mississippi.
Lawrence Taylor is the best defensive player in the NFL, and
has been from the time he stepped onto the field as a rookie.
(TV announcer: And it was Lawrence Taylor who slammed Theismann
to the ground at the 42-yard line. The blitz was on.) He will
also change the game of football as we know it. (TV announcer:
And we'll look at it with the reverse angle one more time.
And I suggest if your stomach is weak, you just don't watch.) Legendary quarterback Joe Theismann
never played another down of football.
Now, y'all would guess
that, more often than not, the highest paid player on an NFL
team is a quarterback, and you'd be right. But what you probably
don't know is, that more often than not, the second highest
paid player is, thanks to Lawrence Taylor, a left tackle. Because,
as every housewife knows, the first check you write is for
the mortgage, but the second is for the insurance. And the
left tackle's job is to protect the quarterback from what he
can't see coming. To protect his blind side. The ideal left tackle
is big, but a lot of people are big. He's wide in the butt
and massive in the thighs. He has long arms, giant hands and
feet as quick as a hiccup. This is a rare and expensive combination
the need for which can be traced to that Monday night game
and Lawrence Taylor. For on that day, he not only altered Joe
Theismann's life, but mine as well.
Brief Interviews With Hideous Men (2009)
Screenwriter(s): John Krasinski
Stand Here Naked Before You. Judge Me, You Bitch"
Ryan (John Krasinski) (aka subject # 20) was the
last to be interviewed by anthropology doctoral candidate Sara
Quinn (Julianne Nicholson) who was investigating the effects
of the "feminist movement" on
the contemporary male. During her research, revealed in the film's
final moments, she was also attempting to understand her harsh
break-up in her own romance with her nasty ex, Ryan:
I'm aware of how all this sounds and can well
imagine the judgments you're forming, but if I'm really to
explain this to you, then I have no choice but to be candid.
Yes, it was a pickup. Plain and simple. And she
was what one might call a granola cruncher. A hippie. And she
was straight out of central casting: the sandals, flamboyantly
long hair, financial support from parents she reviled, and
some professed membership in an apostrophe-heavy Eastern religion
that I would defy anyone to pronounce correctly. Look, I'll
just bite the political bullet and confess that I classified
her as a strictly one-night objective. And that my interest
in her was due almost entirely to the fact that, yes, she was
pretty. She was sexually attractive. She was sexy. And it was
really nothing more complicated or noble than that. And having
had some prior dealings with the cruncher genus, I think the
one-night proviso was due mostly to the grim unimaginability
of having to talk with her for more than one night. Whether
or not you approve, I think we can assume you understand. And
there's something in the way - I mean, a near contempt, in
the way that you can casually saunter over to her blanket and
create the sense of connection that will allow you to pick
her up. And you almost resent the fact that it's so goddamn
easy. I mean, how exploitative you feel that it is so easy
to get this type to regard you as a kindred soul. I mean, you
almost know what's gonna be said before she even opens her
Okay, so now there we are in my apartment, and
she begins going on about her religious views. Her obscure denomination's
views on energy fields and connections between souls via what
she kept calling 'focus.' And in response to some sort
of prompt or association, she begins to relate this anecdote.
And in the anecdote, there she is, hitchhiking. Well, she said
she knew she made a mistake the moment she got in the car. Her
explanation was that she didn't actually feel any energy field
until she had shut the car's door and they were moving - at
which point it was too late. And she wasn't melodramatic about
it, but she described herself as literally paralyzed with terror.
It was something about his eyes. She said she knew instantly
in the depths of her soul that this man's intentions were to
brutally rape, torture, and kill her. And that by the time the
psychotic had exited into a secluded area and actually said what
his true intentions were, she wasn't the least bit surprised
because she knew that she was going to be just another grisly
discovery for some amateur botanist or scout troupe a few days
later - unless she could focus her way into a soul connection
that would prevent this man from murdering her. I mean to focus
intently on this psychotic as an ensouled and beautiful, albeit
tormented, person in his own right, rather than merely as a
threat to her. And I'm well aware that what she is about to
describe is nothing more than a variant of the stale, old love-will-conquer-all, but
for the moment, just bracket your contempt and try to see what
she actually has the courage and conviction to really attempt
Because imagine what it must have felt
like for her. For anyone. Contemplate just how little-kid-level
scared you'd be that this psychotic could bring you
to this point simply by wishing it. And now here she is in
the car, and she's realizing that she's in for the biggest
struggle of her spiritual life. She stares directly into the
psychopath's right eye and wills herself to keep her gaze on
him directly at all times. And the effects of her focus,
she says that when she was able to hold her focus, this psychopath
behind the wheel would gradually stop ranting and become tensely
silent. And she wills herself not to weep or plead, but merely
to use focus as an opportunity to empathize. And this was my
first hint of sadness in listening to the anecdote as I found
myself admiring certain qualities in her story that were the
same qualities I had been contemptuous of when I first picked
her up in the park!
And then he asked her to get out of the
car and lie prone on the ground. And she doesn't hesitate or
beg. She was experiencing a whole new depth of focus. She said
she could hear the tick of the cooling car, bees, birds. Imagine
the temptation to despair in the sound of carefree birds only
yards from where you lay breathing in the weeds. And in this
heightened state, she said she could feel the psychotic realizing
the truth of the situation at the same time she did. And when
he came over to her and turned her over, he was crying. And
she claimed it took no effort of will to hold him as he wept,
as he raped her. She just stared into his eyes lovingly the
entire time. She stayed where he left her all day in the gravel,
weeping, and giving thanks to her religious principles. She
wept out of gratitude, she says. Well, I don't mind telling you,
I had begun to cry at this story's climax. Not loudly, but
I did. She had learned more about love that day with the sex
offender than in any other stage of her spiritual journey. And
I realized in that moment that I had never loved anyone before.
She had addressed the psychotic's core weakness. The terror
of a soul-exposing connection with another human being.
is any of this all that different than a man sizing up an attractive
girl at a concert and pushing all the right buttons to induce
her to come home with him. And lighting her cigarettes and
engaging in an hour of post-coital chit-chat. Seemingly very
intent and close. But what he really wants to do is give her
a special disconnected telephone number and never contact her
again. And that the reason for this cold and victimizing behavior
is that the very connection that he had worked so hard to make
her feel terrifies him.
Do you see how open I'm being with you here?
Well, I know I'm not telling you anything you haven't already
decided that you know. I can see you forming judgments with
that chilly smile. You're not the only one who can read people,
you know. And you know what? It's because of her influence
that I am more sad for you than pissed off. Because the impact
of this story was profound and I'm not even gonna begin
to describe it to you. Can you imagine how any of this felt?
To look at her sandals across the room on the floor and remember
what I had thought of them only hours before. And I'd say her
name and she'd say 'What?' and I'd say
her name again. Well, I'm not embarrassed. I don't care how
this sounds to you now. I mean, can you see how I could not
just let her go after this? I just, I grabbed onto her skirt
and I begged her not to leave. And then I watched her gently
close the door and walk off barefoot down the hall, and never
seeing her again. But it didn't matter that she was fluffy
or not terribly bright! Nothing else mattered! She had all
of my attention - I had fallen in love with her! I believed
that she could save me. Well, I'm aware of how all this sounds,
I can see that look on your face. And I know you. And I know
what you're thinking. So ask it. Ask it now, this is your chance.
'I believed she could save me,' I said.
Ask it now. Say something! I stand here naked before you. Judge
me, you bitch. You happy now? You all worn out? Well, be happy
because I don't care. I knew she could and I knew I loved.
End of story.
(500) Days of Summer (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber
"This Is Not A Love Story"
In this non-linear romantic comedy, a Narrator
(Richard McGonagle) explained - in voice-over - in the film's
pre-credits opening, the background to the film's plot. It concerned
a 500 day relationship between aspiring architect and greeting
card writer Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and his boss' beautiful
new secretary, Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel) that began on January
8th - with brief flashbacks to their past as youngsters:
This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom
Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd
never truly be happy until the day he met 'the one'. This belief
stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a
total mis-reading of the movie 'The Graduate'.
[Dustin Hoffman on TV: "Elaine! Elaine!"] The girl, Summer
Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since
the disintegration of her parents'
marriage, she'd only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second
was how easily she could cut it off and feel nothing. Tom meets
Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she's who
he's been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl. But
you should know up front, this is not a love story.
The Hangover (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Jon Lucas, Scott Moore
Once they had arrived in Las Vegas and acquired
a villa at Caesar's Palace Casino/Hotel, groom-to-be Doug (Justin
Bartha) and his three groomsmen went to the rooftop to drunkenly
make toasts. Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis) offered these
words, claiming they were 'blood' brothers:
I’d like to, I’d like to say something
that I’ve prepared tonight. Hello. How 'bout that ride
in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might
not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend
to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister
brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf
pack, it grew by one. So - there were two of us in the wolf
pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in
later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys,
I thought, 'Wait a second, could it be?' And
now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.
Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las
Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make
a toast! (He pulled out a knife and cut his palm) Blood brothers!
Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Quentin Tarantino
to the Jew Hunter, Jews Share the Attributes of a Rat
In 1941, SS Colonel Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz),
with the unofficial title "The Jew Hunter," spoke to
pipe-smoking French dairy farmer Perrier LaPadite (Denis Menochet)
about his goal of searching for Jews, suspecting that the farmer
was sheltering enemies of the state by hiding the Jewish Dreyfus
family somewhere on his property:
Now if one were to determine what attribute the
German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and
the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine
what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that
of the rat. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking,
would you treat it with a saucer of your delicious milk? (LaPadite:
"Probably not") I didn't think so. You don't like them. You
don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is
you find them repulsive.
Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search
of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look?
He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the
cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide, but there's so many
places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason
the Führer's brought
me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country
today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what
tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon
Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Quentin Tarantino
Introduction of Aldo Raine to the Basterds - Each Man Owes
Me 100 Nazi Scalps!
In 1944 during the war, First Lt. Aldo Raine
(Brad Pitt) spoke to his special team of 'take-no-prisoners'
Basterds - eight Jewish-American soldiers on a mission as a
"bushwhackin' guerrilla army" to go behind Nazi enemy
My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm puttin' together
a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American
soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada
happenin' soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier.
We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians.
And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla
army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only -
killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure
as hell didn't come down from the god-damn Smoky Mountains,
cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through
half of Sicily and jump out of a f--kin' air-o-plane to teach
the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity.
They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin'
maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and
every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform,
they're gonna die.
Now, I'm the direct descendant of the
mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun
in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance.
We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty
they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence
of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured
bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German
won't be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty
their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels,
and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened
by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German
will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night
and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they
have done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tortured
with. Sound good?
The Basterds responded in unison: "Yes Sir!"
That's what I like to hear. But I got a word
of warnin' for all you would-be warriors. When you join my
command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally.
Each and every man under my command owes me 100 Nazi
scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will get me 100
Nazi scalps taken from the heads of 100 dead Nazis.
Or you will die tryin'.
Precious: Based on the Novel
Push by Sapphire (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Geoffrey Fletcher
Abuse Confessed to a Social Worker - "Who Was Gonna Love Me?"
Social Worker Mrs. Weiss (Mariah Carey) asked to
be informed about details of the "actual act of physical
and sexual abuse" that 16 year-old obese daughter Precious
(Gabourey Sidibe) had experienced in the household from her dysfunctional
and abusive mother Mary Lee Johnston (Mo'Nique). The mother was
it first began, where it happened, and how did you respond?"
The pathologically damaged, inner-city dwelling Mary delivered
a heart-breaking dialogue about how she had let her husband Carl
emotionally, physically, and sexually abuse Precious since she
was three years old, and how she had become jealous over Precious
taking away her man:
Precious was a little girl...She was three, and
I had been givin' her the bottle. And I was givin' Carl the
tittie because my milk hadn't dried up in my breasts. But not
from her, but because Carl was - because Carl was suckin' on
that, and that's what kept my milk in my breasts. And I thought
that was for hygiene. I did what my momma told me that I was
supposed to do with my child, so that's what I did. And you're
sittin' up there, and you're tryin' to judge me...But Ms.
Weiss, I don't like you lookin' at me like that. You got this
bitch lookin' at me like I'm some kind of a f--kin' monster...I
didn't want her suckin' behind him, because that was nasty,
and the things that he was...it was just nasty, Ms. Weiss.
I-I, I had a man and I have a child.
And I had to take care of both of them. Okay? Did I want Carl
to touch my baby? Because I would lay my baby, I would lay
her on the side of me on this pillow. And it was pink and it
had this little white writin' on it and it had her name, 'cause
she was Precious. And I would lay my baby on that pillow. And
Carl would be laying on the other side. And then we would, we
would, uh, start doing it and he reached over and he touched
my baby. And I asked him, I said, Carl what are you doin'? And
he told me to shut, to shut my fat ass up and it was good for
her.... I shut my fat ass up.
And I don't
want you to sit there and judge me, Ms. Weiss...(hysterically)
I did not want him to abuse my daughter. I did not want him
to hurt her. I did not want him to do nothin' to her. I wanted
him to make love to me. That was my man. That was my f--kin'
man. That was my man and he wanted my daughter. And that's
why I hated her because it was my man who was supposed to be
lovin' me, who was supposed to be makin' love to me, he was
f--kin' my baby. And she made him leave, she made him go away....
It was Precious' fault
because she let my man have her and she didn't say nothin'. She
didn't scream, she didn't do nothin'.
So those things that she
told you I did to her, who, who, who else was gonna love
me? Hmm? Since you got your degree and you know every f--kin'
thing, who was gonna love me? Who, who was gonna make me feel
good? Who was gonna touch me and make me feel good like that?
And she made him go away. So, when you sit there and you write
them f--kin' notes on your pad about who you think I am and
why I did it and all of that... Because
I'm in hell.
Up in the Air (2009)
Screenwriter(s): Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner
In Your Backpack? -- "Moving Is Living" and "The Slower
We Move, the Faster We Die"
Corporate downsizer Ryan Bingham (George Clooney)
gave his philosophy of life in motivational speeches throughout
the film, first in the lobby of a Hampton Inn in Columbus,
Ohio, and then continuing in Miami where he had last left off.
In the first talk, he asked his audience to "try to walk"
with their backpacks full of stuff, and then suggested they
should burn their backpacks. In the second talk, he asked everyone
to fill their backpacks with people. Bingham
believed one should live an isolated, ever-moving life without
emotional ties. He extolled the virtues of a life free of burdensome
relationships with people as well as things:
How much does your life weigh? Imagine for
a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to feel
the straps on your shoulders. Feel 'em? Now I want you to
pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life. You
start with the little things. The things on shelves and in
drawers, the knick-knacks, the collectibles. Feel the weight
as that adds up. Then
you start adding larger stuff, clothes, table-top appliances,
lamps, linens, your TV.
The backpack should be getting pretty heavy
now. And you go bigger. Your couch, bed, your kitchen table.
Stuff it all in there. Your car, get it in there. Your home,
whether it's a studio apartment or a two bedroom house. I
want you to stuff it all into that backpack.
Now try to walk. It's kind of hard, isn't it? This is what
we do to ourselves on a daily basis. We weigh ourselves down
until we can't even move. And make no mistake, moving is
Now, I'm gonna set that backpack on fire.
What do you want to take out of it? What do you want to take
out of it? Photos? Photos are for people who can't remember.
Drink some ginkgo and let the photos burn. In fact, let everything
burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing. It's kind
of exhilarating, isn't it?
this is gonna be a little difficult, so stay with me. You
have a new backpack. Only this time, I want you to
fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends
of friends, folks around the office, and then you move into
the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets.
Your cousins, your aunts, your uncles, your brothers, your
sisters, your parents and finally your husband,
your wife, your boyfriend or your girlfriend.
get them into that backpack. And don't worry. I'm not gonna
ask you to light it on fire. Feel the weight of that bag.
Make no mistake - your relationships are the heaviest components
in your life. Do you feel the straps cutting into your shoulders?
All those negotiations and arguments, and secrets
and compromises. You don't need to carry all that weight.
Why don't you set that bag down? Some animals were meant
to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime
- star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those
animals. The slower we move, the faster we
die. We are not swans. We're sharks.
Screenwriter(s): David Hayter, Alex Tse
Vain Plea to "Save
After an extensive five-minute backstory credits
sequence (to the tune of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'")
and a fight scene, in voice-over, masked, trench-coated vigilante
Rorschach/Walter Kovacs (Jackie Earle Haley) read from his journal,
in the gritty alternate year of 1985:
Journal. October 12th, 1985: Dog carcass in alley this morning,
tire tread on burst stomach. This city's afraid of me. I have
seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the
gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab
over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all
their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all
the whores and politicians will look up and shout: 'Save us!'
- and I'll whisper 'no.'
Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring
down into bloody hell. All those liberals and intellectuals
and smooth talkers - and all of a sudden, nobody can think
of anything to say. Beneath me, this awful city. It screams
like an abattoir full of retarded children, and the night
reeks of fornication and bad consciences.
127 Hours (2010)
Screenwriter(s): Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy
Love You Guys"
While his right arm was trapped under a huge
boulder when canyoning solo in a remote and narrow sandstone
cavern crevice near Moab, Utah (based upon a real-life incident
in 2003), mountain climber Aron Ralston (James Franco) began
to get closer to death. On the Tuesday of his 127 hour ordeal,
he pretended he was a TV morning show announcer with his camcorder,
interviewing himself about being trapped without notifying
anyone about his whereabouts, and then he more poignantly addressed
Good morning, everyone! It is 7 o'clock here
in Canyonland, USA. And this morning on the boulder, we have
a very special guest - self-proclaimed American super-hero
Aron Ralston! Let's hear it for Aron. (Audience cheering)
Hey! (chuckling to himself) Hi, oh gosh, it's, it's
a real pleasure to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Uhm, hey,
can I say hi to my Mom and Dad? Mom and Dad! Mustn't forget
Mom and Dad, right Aron? Yeah, that's right. Uh, hey Mom.
I'm really sorry I - I didn't answer the phone the other
night. If I had, I would have told you where I was going,
and then, well, I probably wouldn't be here right now. That's
for sure! (Audience chuckling) But like I always say,
your supreme selfishness is our gain. Thank you, Aron.
else you'd like to say hi to? Uhm, well, Brion at work!...Hey!
Uh, I probably won't be making it into work today. (laughing
to himself) (Audience laughs too) Get a load of
this guy! Oh, wait! Hold on. We've got a question coming in
from another Aron in Loser Canyon, Utah. Aron asks,
'Am I right in thinking that even if Brion from work notifies
the police, they'll put a 24-hour hold on it before they file
a Missing Persons report? Which means you won't become officially
missing until midday Wednesday, at the earliest!' Ah, yeah.
You're right on the money there, Aron. (Audience laughing)
Which means I'll probably be dead by then. Aron, from Loser
Canyon, Utah. How do you know so much? (Audience clapping)
Well, I'll tell you how I know so much. I volunteer for the
rescue service. Hmm? You see, I'm something of a, uh, well,
a big f--king hard hero! (Audience laughs) And I can
do everything on my own, you see? I do see. (Audience applauding)
Now, is it true that despite - or maybe because
you're a big f--king hard hero - you didn't tell anyone where
you were going? Uh, yeah, that's absolutely correct. Anyone?
Anyone. Oops! (Audience laughing) Oops. Oops. (sighs)
Mom, Dad. I just want to take this time to
tell you that the times we've spent together have been awesome.
And I haven't appreciated you in my heart as I know that
I could. Mom, I love you and I wish that I'd returned all
your calls, ever. I love you guys, and I'll always be with
As he became more and more dehydrated and delusional,
he introspectively chronicled his own demise, while experiencing
a life-altering revelation about entrapment and engagement:
You know, I've been thinking. Everything
is (exhales) - it just
comes together...It's me...I chose this. I chose all of this...This
rock (grunting) - this rock has been waiting for me
my entire life. (Screaming) I hate this rock! In it's
entire life - ever since it was - a bit of meteorite a million,
billion years ago up there in space - it's been waiting,
to come here - right, right here. I've been moving towards
it my entire life. The minute I was born, every breath
I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack
on the earth's surface.
The Other Guys (2010)
Screenwriter(s): Adam McKay, Chris Henchy
Lion vs. a Tuna: "You're Out-gunned and Out-manned"
Two mismatched NYPD detectives, dim-witted
Terry Hoitz (Mark
Wahlberg) and pencil-pushing, mild-mannered
desk cop Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) obviously do not get along.
Terry started off an argument between them - face-to-face:
Do you know what I just did? I just walked out
that door, saw a couple of detectives and I was about to start
bad-mouthing you behind your back. But I stopped myself because
my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back
is a coward...Good, 'cause I'm
gonna tell you directly to your face...No, I don't like you.
I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the
urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would
attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go
out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were
a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin'
eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Emasculated Allen responded with a logical counter-argument
against his loose-cannon, hot-headed partner:
OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean?
Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or
some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you
find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming it's
off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown
800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle.
You lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've
wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of
lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said,
'You know what, lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion'.
We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively
hunt you and your family and we will corner your - your pride,
your children, your offspring...
We will construct a series
of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain
amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour?
Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time
to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get
more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game.
You're out-gunned and out-manned. Did that go the way you thought
it was gonna go? Nope.